August 20, 2019 - Getting Serious

The last couple of weeks have been busy and a little surreal. When we had our last oncology visit, we had a more-serious-than-normal discussion. I’ll have scans again when we go back in September, but given rising tumor markers and the previous scans, our oncologist believes that cancer has outsmarted the current treatment plan and it’s time to make a change. The words “infusion chemo” were mentioned. If I did have infusion chemo, the type may not be as strong, or have the same side effects, as I had in 2014 - hair loss, etc. But still there are lots of things to consider. My directions from the team were to get any medical/dental issues taken care of before I go back, if possible, so that’s what I’ve been doing. I was sad to hear that the current medicine is failing because even though I’ve had some infections while on it, I have felt good and we’ve had so much fun this year!

The detail above is provided for one reason: God is so very gracious in this crazy season!

Getting unexpected, or unwanted, news can be stressful! We all can relate to upsetting, not-expected news. And while I have had a couple of meltdowns since I’ve been home, something profound has taken over in the last week. A feeling of peace - a peace that passes understanding. I’m reading “I Give Up: The Secret Joy of a Surrendered Life” and I think I understand now why God drew me to it. The book focuses on giving up control (or more accurately, realizing- AGAIN!) - that we never WERE in control) of the situations we face, and choosing instead to trust in the One who controls every minute detail of our lives. 

I am honestly having fun right now. I LOVE lifeGROUPS season; given the potential change in medicine (whether infusion or otherwise), it's time to hand off responsibilities to the leaders around me who can take care of the details that I can’t deal with right now. This is so awesome - so much better than trying to cope on my own! Thank you to my incredible lifeGROUP/re-engage/everyday friends for that. 

This isn’t a season to google details about chemo meds, blood counts, etc. It’s a season to relish every minute - to enjoy laughing and talking with family, friends, my cat. 🙂 And the reason it’s possible to do that is found in these verses. They’re some of my very favorites - I post them over and over again - but I have never comprehended so completely, or trusted, these words more:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in EVERY situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7 NIV)

I KNOW what it means to experience that peace of God, guarding my heart and mind, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. A peace that passes understanding. Making my requests known to Him with prayer and thanksgiving, and then resting - knowing that He knows the future and He can be trusted!  :)

August 10, 2019 - The Empty Spaces

“The empty spaces between where we are and what’s next often terrify us, yet every single letting go requires moments of uncertainty where we seem suspended between what was and what isn’t yet. During these times we don’t feel like we’re holding on to anything solid at all... - Laura Story 

We’re home - and we had so much fun on our trip. Our anniversary dinner was at the perfect place, a restaurant called The Cellar in Newnan, and it couldn’t have been any better! Thank you for all your Anniversary well-wishes! 

I am continuing to read the book by Laura Story, and God is using it to work in my spirit! Being in Georgia again, one year after our first visit, brought back so many emotions and memories. On one hand, I feel like we are so much stronger than we were last year; our faith has grown immensely during this journey. On the other hand, sometimes it feels like we live month to month, and I’ve really not adjusted to not knowing what’s next! But in fact - we are ALL face unknowns - we just forget that and think we’ve got it all under control! 💕

This is what I do know. God’s Word provides guidance and comfort. And God has blessed with family and friends who help us on this walk - with laughter, tears, company, a shoulder to lean on, or fun diversions to help us enjoy each day. God is with us and He sees what’s ahead, whether we can see the next step or not. There’s comfort in that!

“I look up to the mountains— does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!” Psalms‬ ‭121:1-2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

August 8, 2019 - Trials

“I no longer believe the myth that trials are a curse. Trials are an opportunity. They are an invitation to do good works to glorify our Father in heaven, to transform our lives from the inside out, and to drive us into the arms and footsteps of Jesus.” - Laura Story

I read this and know that its true - but sometimes, trials are just hard. We get tired of dealing with trials on top of trials, the next trial when we're not finished with the last one!

I'm so glad that God's okay with our fear and frustration! That He is walking with us through the trials, offering comfort and peace in the fire. We are not alone!

“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles‬ ‭20:17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

August 6, 2019 - Praying

I’m feeling good and we are enjoying life! At the same time, we are dealing with several “unknowns” right now. Not one. Several. Unknowns. Medically as well as in daily life. Things that I would like to know the answers to, how they will all work out. I’m sure you can relate!

Something so good has been happening in the midst of the unknowns. God has been dealing with me about the difference between planning versus fretting and worrying. He has a lot to say about the subject in these familiar verses. 🙂

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians‬ ‭4:6-7‬ ‭NLT‬‬

This is the formula. God tells us to pray - to tell Him what we need and to thank Him (in advance) for all He has done. Notice what happens next. The verse doesn’t say that God will answer prayers according to our will and we will have all our unknowns resolved. It says that we will experience His peace. Even if we don’t have all the answers. He knows what we need most. And we need to understand the blessing of relying on Him through the uncertainties of life, even more than we need to know the answers to our unknowns. 

I love this quote - it was written by a lady who understands living through pain and unknowns. Her perspective is wonderful:

“But because I believe God’s plans for me are better than what I could plan for myself, rather than run away from the path he has set before me, I want to run toward it. I don’t want to try to change God’s mind—his thoughts are perfect. I want to think his thoughts. I don’t want to change God’s timing—his timing is perfect. I want the grace to accept his timing. I don’t want to change God’s plan—his plan is perfect. I want to embrace his plan and see how he is glorified through it. I want to submit.” - Nancy Guthrie

A final update. Tony has officially said that it’s good to have a cat!! This must be documented. The picture tells the story. These little guys are fine in the garage and outside - but not in the house. We came home yesterday and Shady had captured the offender!!

Have a good day, everyone!

August 4, 2019 - Slipping

One of the”goofy” things that happened this week: I fell down our stairs. These stairs, to be precise. 🙂

I think I stepped off the landing, missed the next step, and started falling - I’m not exactly sure!  🙂 About mid-way down, I must have leaned back, because I sat down and kind of bumped down the rest of the stairs. When I hit the bottom, I burst into tears. Poor Tony! - and Tucker! - he was spending the night. I hurt all over at first, but by morning I felt fine. 

I have realized a few things about my trip down the stairs:

1) It’s amazing how fast our minds work - in the “slow motion” of falling, my brain was the opposite, going 1000mph, trying to figure out what was happening, how to stop it, etc.
2) My biggest concern as I fell was how it would end. Would I go headfirst onto the floor, or put my arm out to break the fall, breaking it in the process? The scenarios were endless!!

Nothing that I imagined, happened. The fall wasn’t nearly as dramatic or painful as I anticipated. But honestly, don’t we all do this? Something happens, and our minds go into automatic overdrive as we imagine the worst for our situations. 

I am so, so thankful for our Heavenly Father, who can use everything for good. My fall - my “foot slipping” - was such a great reminder that I don’t have to figure things out on my own. None of us do. We don’t have to think so hard, to figure out every detail. 

My goal is to lean into that place of rest and security, even when I don’t know the ending!! I am praying the same for you. 

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Psalm‬ ‭94:18-19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“When I felt my feet slipping, you came with your love and kept me steady. And when I was burdened with worries, you comforted me and made me feel secure.” Psalm 94:18-19‬ ‭CEV‬‬

August 3, 2019 - One Year Later

One year ago, we were preparing for our first visit to Cancer Treatment Center. As we were driving, we saw a beautiful rainbow that appeared out of nowhere in front of us; it felt like God’s message to us that He knew exactly where we were and what we were facing. While we were at CTCA, we learned that in addition to spreading to my lungs and lymph nodes, cancer had spread to the clavicle, spine, humerus and skull. We decided on a treatment plan and headed back home on our wedding anniversary. There were lots of emotions on the trip but the overwhelming one was the presence of God’s peace, knowing that He was in control of my days. 

We will go back to Cancer Treatment Center this week for our 17th visit, and will spend our wedding anniversary in Georgia. I think that this visit will be much calmer than a year ago; no scans are planned until September. I feel good, and even though I’ve had progression in my lungs and skull, the last time I had scans everyplace else looked better than our first visit to CTCA. I am so thankful for an amazing year of time spent with our family and friends. 💕

It seems to me that the recurrence of cancer and our wedding anniversary will always be linked - but that isn’t a bad thing. As we look back and look forward, Tony Boyd and I have both learned so much about trusting God’s plan. Truly trusting, not fretting about what’s next. This excerpt from the book by Laura Story is so on point as we look to the upcoming year! 

“When I base my decisions, words, actions, or beliefs on how I feel, I am on the throne. When I base my decisions, words, actions, or beliefs on what God says is true, then He is on the throne. ....The life God is calling me to requires living with open hands - trusting Him day by day with the smallest of details and the greatest of struggles. He invites each one of His children to embrace this lifestyle of surrender, releasing control to Him and believing He is, has always been, and will forever be faithful.” - Laura Story

“The Lord Himself will lead you and be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you, so do not lose courage or be afraid.” Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:8‬ ‭GNT

August 1, 2019 - Circumstances

This week has been such a mixture of great fun and goofy/frustrating medical stuff. I'm so thankful for the fun! And God has definitely been dealing with me regarding where my focus should be. We all have our stuff that we are dealing with - maybe it's school starting, job situations, relational struggles, financial situations, sadness, pain. Whatever you're dealing with - I hope this is as helpful to you as it was to me when I read it last night!! It's from Laura Story's new book, "I Give Up: The Secret Joy of a Surrendered Life:"

"While I made a conscious decision to trust God and surrender my expectations to Him, I also did what anyone in similar circumstances would do; I searched the internet for information... Let me tell you, friend, my heart sank. That little exercise did nothing to decrease my anxiety. I don't recommend doing this... It's just not helpful - at all - to meditate on what we fear or dread.

Instead, God tells us to consider Him, to immerse ourselves in His Word, and to meditate on His truth. I remembered a lesson from Psalm 1 I'd shared not too long ago in our church, and it really seemed perfect for me. It begins like this:

'Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on His law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by steams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither - whatever they do prospers.' - Psalm 1:1-3 NIV

.... When we're rooted in God and in His Word, we're positioning ourselves for a blessed life, REGARDLESS OF OUR CIRCUMSTANCES [emphasis added]. And what is it, exactly, that rooted trees "do"? Nothing! They simply stay put, right where they are, their deep roots soaking in all that's needed for a good and fruitful life."

So we simply stay put, soaking in the benefits of being rooted. That is where I am right now. Trying hard to "do nothing" except meditating on the things that God wants me to meditate on, and not trying to figure everything out for myself. There is HUGE comfort in that. I'm praying the same for you!