June 22, 2015 - Life These Days! :)

Most days, I am feeling normal! And I am thankful for so many things: days off with Tony, the ability to eat food without mouth sores, and for the energy to spend time with family and friends and to do simple things - like take walks!

Life feels much more like it used to, on most days. Then there are days when it feels like I am just kidding myself and that life is NOT back to normal....

The days when I see someone at the store and they don't recognize me because of my [lack of] hair. That makes me sad. 

The days when I am tired, or when my head hurts, and I wonder if there are cancer cells running around in my brain. That makes me nervous. And looking for answers by googling terms like "vascular invasion" and other words from my initial pathology report, or "headache after breast cancer" - NOT a good idea, as I read that it is most likely to metastasize to the bone, brain, liver or lungs. Then I start thinking, now that I read that info, I have also had pain in my leg and a cough that won't go away (additional symptoms of recurrence)... 

At some point, we have to tell ourselves to stop thinking all these things! Our minds can take us in so many directions, many of which are not at all helpful or accurate!!

Life after cancer - or after any traumatic experience - can definitely feel like a roller coaster of emotions!! There is extreme thankfulness for each day; at the same time, if not kept in check, there are nagging doubts about what's next. It's enough to make any of us a little on edge!!  smile emoticon

Isn't it amazing that the source of peace in the middle of the storm is still the source of peace when the water is calm, when the storm has passed, but when our minds are still racing? Nowhere else on this earth will we find perfect rest than in relying on God and His word. I am SO THANKFUL for the comfort and peace that only He can bring!  smile emoticon

“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 GNB)

June 12, 2015 - A Most Unusual Day

This morning, I had a follow up visit to the doctor who first diagnosed my cancer last October. No big deal!

The day was so similar to the day I was diagnosed - a warm, beautiful day, appointment was about the same time, Kelli and John were even in Springfield again, just like last October. It was a little "déjà vu" feeling...

Today, I was not prepared for the words, "have you noticed this lump?" "We need to check this..." but I was hearing it again!! After an ultrasound, another appointment was made for 3pm this afternoon for further investigation. I called Tony and texted a few friends to ask them to pray. 

The hours from 10am to 3pm were a little surreal. As Tony and I ate lunch, I said, "either this is nothing or it is bad" - like a tumor that survived and grew over the last seven months of medical treatment. But there was no fear - only peace, the kind that doesn't have anything to do with the circumstances around us. The "peace that passes understanding."

By 4pm, we got the news that everything was good - just scar tissue from surgery. They will continue to monitor it to make sure it is nothing more, but everyone is feeling good about it at this point. Thank you, God, for that blessing!!

I was reminded of how quickly circumstances can change and our lives can turn around. And as I looked through notes I have made since last October, I was thinking about the fact that God is always here for us, always the same, in the sunshine and the rain, when we laugh and when we cry. He never changes. Never. There is such comfort in that knowledge!!

“My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and the earth! He will not let you stumble and fall; the one who watches over you will not sleep. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never tires and never sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.... The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.” (Psalm 121:2-5, 8 NLT)

“But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7–8, NLT)

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12, RSV)

June 6, 2015 - My Wise Husband and the Toughest Job

Today, Tony and I were talking about a difficult situation that friends of ours are going through. I told him that I have a hard time understanding why God is taking so long to bring the miracle that they need, and why they are having to go through this trial. 

His response surprised me. He said, "that's how I felt when you had to have eye surgery and keep your face down, after everything else you'd been through." 

Honestly, for me, the anticipation of eye surgery was harder than actual face down time. But my perspective was so different from Tony's. I wasn't watching my spouse face-planted into the pillow or chair day after day, with a totally, SHINY bald head. I wasn't the one who had to lead his bald spouse by the hand through the parking lot into the doctor's office because she couldn't see. 

Today, I really understood how hard this journey was for him. He was there for me every day, taking me to doctor appointments, sitting in waiting rooms for three surgeries, dealing with recoveries, walking with me through chemo and its aftermath, picking up prescriptions, holding my hand when my hair fell out, telling me I was pretty and that he loved me. He made everything about this journey so much easier! I love you, Tony, and I am so thankful for you!

So I have now been on both sides, and from my perspective, it is much more difficult to be the spouse, parent or child walking with a family member through illness or tragedy, than it is to be the patient. 

For all the caregivers who are dealing with a difficult situation - God does know where you are. On the days when it is so hard to pray, to comfort, to watch what your loved one is dealing with - God knows what it is like to watch his loved one suffer. And I am praying that He will give the strength and peace that you need for this moment. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24 NIV)

June 1, 2015 - Reflections

It seems like this journey is coming to a close! I'm stronger every day, my hair is growing, I'm going back to work this week, and I have what will hopefully be final visits with my eye surgeon and plastic surgeon. All good!

I have been trying to focus in on the "takeaways" from this journey and what God has taught me. 

There has definitely been a physical cost - a double mastectomy, losing your hair and dealing with the side effects of chemo will challenge anyone's self esteem and self-image. This journey has stripped away any issues I may have had with pride. It's not easy to go out in public with the same hairstyle as your husband. The choices are to hide at home, to cry about how unfair it all is, or to choose joy and take on the day. Some days have been easier than others, but joy has been the clear winner. 

If you told me a year ago what the next few months held... Well, it's just good that we can't see the future! The last seven months have been much different than I anticipated. I was looking forward to the opening of Life Fellowship's third campus, Kelli and John coming home from the Philippines, the birth of our new grandbaby, and so many other exciting things. Cancer was NOT part of my plans. So what do we do when plans change? We can shake our fist at God in frustration, we can cry in anger and sadness, or we can choose to face the change of plans with joy. 

If you asked me at the beginning of this journey what the biggest takeaway would be, I probably would have said something about staying strong through difficulty, or keeping your eyes on God and not becoming distracted from what He's doing in your life. Those are things that I have learned - but I would never have predicted that JOY would be the theme of this season. 

Who would think that God could use cancer to teach me so much about joy?? 

I read this the other day and it is so true - "I may not have the power to change my season, but I can always choose my response." And choosing to respond with joy as opposed to worry, frustration or efforts to control the situation - it is life changing. 

I will have many more good memories than bad of this time. Not that every day has been fun or easy - but in hindsight, the lessons learned have been well worth the struggles. 

Thank you to our friends and family for every encouraging prayer, message, post, text, email, phone call, hug, gift or meal. You have blessed us and made this road so much easier. smile emoticon

“But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7–8 NLT).

“For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything” (James 1:3–4, NLT).

‪#‎FightBackWithJoy‬

May 25, 2015 - Second Update since Surgery

I hope everybody had a good weekend!! 

It has been a roller coaster week for us! After coming out of surgery and moving the right direction in recovery, I hit a wall and went backwards. I was EXHAUSTED - like I had been through a round of chemo. I slept almost 24 hours straight, my head hurt and was so foggy, my body was worn out, and I also felt extremely sad. Not a typical surgery recovery for me. 

The only thing that had changed was that I started taking Arimidex last week (which is a med that reduces the risk of recurrence of breast cancer). The oncologist prescribed it in late March, but with everything going on with my eye, I decided to give myself a rest and wait to start taking it until I was recovering from this last surgery. 

I haven't taken the medicine since Saturday night, and I am feeling better - well enough that we had everybody over for a cookout tonight. It was so fun having all of us together! I'm sad that we didn't get a picture taken - we'll have to do that next time!!  smile emoticon

I'm going to let the oncologist know that this isn't going to work for me - there are other options so we can look at a different med.

Thank you for praying for us!!

Lord, you have examined me and you know me. You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts. You see me, whether I am working or resting; you know all my actions. Even before I speak, you already know what I will say. You are all around me on every side; you protect me with your power. (Psalm 139:1-5 GNTD)

May 23, 2015 - An Update

One of my doctors told me that if someone wants to know how long it takes to "recover" from breast cancer, they should look at the time span from diagnosis to final treatment (7 months for me) and assume it will take that amount of time to be back to full strength. That means I shouldn't be surprised if it takes a few more months (until around Christmas - not that I'm keeping track of time!) to feel like myself again. Impatient Kathy thinks it should be a much quicker process... smile emoticon

This has been a good week. I'm tired, but that isn't terribly surprising. After all, I did have major surgery on Monday! One minute, I am fine and the next, I just really need to lay down and sleep. I am physically tired - but I am mentally and emotionally tired as well. And that is sometimes not a good combination!

When we are weary, life can feel overwhelming - things that normally wouldn't phase us can seem insurmountable. One thing I have learned on this journey is that there are times when you cannot trust your own emotions and feelings - and now is one of those times for me. 

So who can we trust? What do we believe? So thankful for God's Word - which never waivers in its truth. 

"But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!” (2 Chronicles 20:17 NLT)

“I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:5–8, NLT)

“My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and the earth! He will not let you stumble and fall; the one who watches over you will not sleep. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never tires and never sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.... The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.” (Psalm 121:2-5, 8 NLT)

May 17, 2015 - Surgery Eve!

I am SO EXCITED! Seven months ago today, I was diagnosed with cancer (thanks for reminding me of the date, Carrie Conklin!) - and we are at the other end of this journey. Surgery is tomorrow morning, and I honestly can't wait. We will be home by tomorrow afternoon, if all goes as planned, with a two week recovery. 

Thank you for walking with us - celebrating "no wig" week, laughing, crying, listening, and praying for us. You have carried us so many days, and we are thankful for you!!

May 15, 2015 - Some Nights!

This has been such a good week! I'm not wearing a wig anymore, I had a great night out with my sweet girls, a "couldn't be better" visit to West Clinic, a wonderful birthday night for Tony with our kids and grandkids, and a very productive and fun time being back at work. I'm just a few days away from surgery, which is awesome! 

So why can't I sleep tonight? Why is my mind going a million miles an hour?

A couple of reasons that I can think of - these stupid tissue expanders are UNCOMFORTABLE, but more than that, I am worried about some things, and I can't seem to chill out, commit them to God, and REST. What I am worried about isn't really the point, though. We can all fill in the blanks with those things that keep us up at night, doing their best to invade our minds and deplete our JOY. 

I have been reading tonight - and this verse (and devo by Rick Warren) really speaks to me. It's so true - we can't do this life alone and we need community - Christ followers to share our problems with, who will pray with us and point us to God. I am so thankful for friends and family that God has put in our life!

"Community is God’s answer to defeat. You need to find the people who will stand with you in tough times and say, “We’re not going to let you get discouraged. We’re not going to let you get depressed. We’re not going to let you worry. We’re going to stay here with you.”

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple braided cord is not easily broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12 NLT, second edition)

May 13, 2015 - Tony's Birthday and Follow Up at West Clinic!

Happy Birthday to my favorite person in the whole world, Tony Boyd! I knew that you were an awesome husband, father, grandfather, father-in-law and son. I knew that you were an incredible team builder, coach, friend, leader, and pastor. But in the last six months, I have seen a whole new perspective when it comes to Tony Boyd. You always see the bright side, alway know how to see the good in things. You have been by my side and walked with me through the ups and downs of each day. You have made me feel beautiful, loved, protected and cherished, even on the most difficult days. You are a precious gift from God, and I am forever grateful for the privilege of being your wife. Happy Birthday! I love you and I can't wait to see what God has planned for us!!  smile emoticon

Had a follow up visit at West Clinic today and everything is good! I don't have to go back for SIX MONTHS!!  smile emoticon So thankful for this wonderful blessing. Next up - birthday cookout for Tony Boyd with the kids and grandkids!!

Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his wonderful deeds. (Psalms 105:1-2 NLT)