January 24, 2015 - Hidden Killers

I have been thinking about what life was like prior to and after being diagnosed with cancer. In our case, I had no pain or other indication that anything was wrong - it was found in a routine check up. I was feeling great, and had no idea that a hidden killer - in my case, an aggressive and fast-growing tumor - was in my body.

The treatment has sometimes seemed harder to deal with than the illness. A double mastectomy with reconstruction - and I've done well, but it was not exactly minor surgery. Chemo and hair loss. I am so thankful that I have had manageable side effects, but I told Tony Boyd that you have to have a pretty decent self-image to keep moving ahead - "getting better" can take a toll!! Treatment is definitely more painful, short-term, than what I experienced while the tumor was in my body. But if left untreated, it would have spread and led to pain and death.

The same can be said for lots of hidden killers, whether relational, physical or spiritual. We know that we have a problem with anger or addiction or spending or diabetes or something as "simple" as gossiping or being a workaholic. It's there, but we don't feel any pain in its early stages, so we don't do anything to address it. What we don't realize is that it is fast-growing and aggressive and could ultimately kill us or kill our relationships, if left untreated. 

Sometimes the treatment IS PAINFUL. It's not easy to seek help or to say we have a problem. But if we try to avoid the temporary pain, we will end up with permanent damage. 

God can be trusted to walk with us through the "treatment" - I can say that with authority. God will redeem the pain and use it for His Glory. Don't be afraid to confront the hidden killers!

January 21, 2015 - JOY

We were supposed to go to a Grizzlies game tonight. We'd been planning it for almost a month. But when I came home from work to get ready to go, I saw it - the first bald spot on my head. I thought I was ready for it, but to actually SEE it was a little jarring. My first reaction was to cry, which I did for a few minutes. My next thought was that I couldn't go to the Fed Ex Forum looking like that!! 

The next thought - I had better get used to this, unless I'm planning to stay in my house for the next several months!! To ENDURE this. And I know it is just hair - but all of a sudden, I realized that I have had pretty good hair and I'm going to miss it! An understandable human reaction. 

If I stayed at home, no good would come from hours of staring at my growing bald spot. I knew that it was a defining moment - was I going to hide in sadness or choose joy? Joy won. Tonight, I understand more clearly than I ever have that joy is not an emotion - joy is a weapon that God gives us to fight the darts that satan aims in our direction. 

So we got ready to go and I popped a hat on my head. NOTE: I am NOT a hat person, so this was a big deal for me!  smile emoticon We went to the game, had AWESOME seats, and had a great time with dear friends who have seen us through ups and downs in life. It "fit" that we had planned this night with them and it was a joy-filled night. 

Joy is an option for us EVERY day - not as a reaction to favorable circumstances but as a God-given gift to share with the people around us. It is the better choice.

January 20, 2015 - Hair #3

Hair update! I got a haircut today! After starting the day with (small) handfuls of hair coming out, I went into the office and Stacy, Aimee and I had fun braiding the falling-out hair into a stylish bracelet which we shared with the team. I will spare you the pics of the braid. smile emoticon

Sweet Amanda decided that a good transition, since it is coming out evenly, would be a shorter cut, and I love it! You are a blessing, Amanda! And thanks for going with me, Mindy Boyd Baier!

Will probably need another haircut next week - Kelli Williford is going to join us for that party!  smile emoticon

Thank you for laughing, crying, praying and sharing our burdens with us!! smile emoticon

Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2 NLT)

January 19, 2015 - Hair #2

Hair update. It is still, for the most part, on my head!  smile emoticon We will see how it's looking tomorrow! But I am done being worried about it. 

I can say that because of all our friends and family who encourage us and keep us covered in prayer. 

What I had anticipated as the "scariest" days of this journey - surgery, first chemo and watching my hair start to come out - have instead been days filled with peace and joy. Those are not feelings of this world and have nothing to do with what is going on around us. God is sovereign and He is our protector! I choose to focus on all the blessings - all the joy - of the past few months. 

There is something very liberating about facing the things you fear, then smiling and going on about your life. It is possible, with God's help, to do that. This has been a great day!

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." (John 10:10 NLT)

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." (James 1:2-4 NLT)

January 18, 2015 - Hair #1

The ups and downs of this cancer journey - today I have noticed more hair than normal coming off my head. I was telling Tony about it tonight and ran my hand through my hair - and a (small) clump came out in my hand. It's not all gone - it may just thin rather than all falling out - but THIS, along with nausea, has been what I have dreaded most. 

I am so humbled by and thankful for friends and family who are walking with us on this path - some who have had cancer/had a loved one with cancer; others who are medical professionals and are willing to answer my many questions; and some who are there specifically to encourage and pray for us. 

We have a plan - I have a wig and cute hats. If I lose my hair, I will be sad - but I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who are living out "weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice" with us at each step of our journey. Thank you. smile emoticon

"Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!" (Romans 12:15-16 NLT)

January 14, 2015 - Chemo 1, Day 8

This will conclude my daily updates related to the first chemo treatment. Why? Because I am feeling back to normal! No meds needed today, my energy level has done well (I am very ready to go to sleep, but it's been a good day), and I even got to hang out with Clara and Lincoln for a little while this afternoon!! 

I was thinking today about how the unknown can frighten us. I know that every chemo experience is different, but I am so grateful that the actual experience has been so much easier than what it might have been. I attribute that to a lot of prayer on my behalf, as well as the medical community's ability to counter the effects of some meds. Losing my hair is still out there as a possible side effect, but I am SO grateful to say that a week after chemo 1, I feel like myself!

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. (Isaiah 43:19 NLT)

January 13, 2015 - Chemo 1, Day 7

Today, I went into the office and it was so nice to see everybody! Life Fellowship Church has an incredible staff, and I am SO thankful to also call them my friends. I stayed longer than I had planned, but got all the things done that I was hoping to do. Win! And I felt good most of the day. Double win!!

This week, Kelli and John start traveling full-time to speak at churches and raise their budget to prepare to return to the Philippines, and its less than a month until Mindy and Michael launch Believing Church in Memphis.  Tony and I are working together on a full-time basis, and we are dealing with chemo. So basically, all six adults in our family have lives this year that look NOTHING like they did a year ago. Most of the changes are exciting and good - even my journey wirh cancer is going really well. But change - even good change - can be stressful.

I am thankful for a God who knows that we can feel overwhelmed as we step out of the boat and do things that are new to us. He's there to encourage and provide comfort and rest, and to let us know that He is with us through the unknown! 

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." (1 Corinthians 15:58 NLT)

January 12, 2015 - Chemo 1, Day 6

We are on the right track! Although I didn't go anywhere today, I did spend time in the living room, and also washed my hair! I now have "Magic Swizzle" mouth rinse, and it is pretty amazing! Food isn't very tasty (my taste buds feel like they got burned by a hot cheese pizza) - but vanilla yogurt is great. I have been rather cranky tonight (poor Tony) - I am going to claim steroid rage for that! So thankful that we are not alone - God is in control, and we are blessed by the people in our lives who are His hand extended. 

I waited patiently for the LORD to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD. (Psalms 40:1-3 NLT)

January 11, 2015 - Chemo 1, Day 5

This has been an historic day!  Tony has been telling me about the services at LF West, and it sounds like it was an incredible weekend at all three campuses. Thank you to everybody who texted pictures and videos and tagged me in posts; it was almost like I was there!

I didn't make it to church today. I'm glad that there was no ambiguity about whether I could go; that made it easier. I had trouble walking from one room to another, and washing my hair seemed an overwhelming task, so that sealed the deal. Thankfully, the emotional overload (possibly from steroids?) has gone away, so I haven't been crying and crying. That's a huge improvement! God has been very present today at our house - there has been such a sense of His peace!  

Please pray that the sores that have appeared in my mouth will be short-lived. I am thankful for such a small number of side effects, and for so many people who God has put in our lives to encourage us. 

"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1:2-4

January 10, 2016 - Chemo 1, Day 4

Contrast (def): the state of being strikingly different from something else, typically something in juxtaposition or close association.

Apparently I have reached the point after chemo when you are very tired and also very emotional. It’s amazing how you can be so happy and so sad in the same brain, so up and down within a short period of time. How things can FEEL good and bad. There’s that “feelings” word again!

It looks like this:

Good news: All 5 of our grandchildren are in town and we can see them often! 
Bad news: I am too tired to be any fun right now as a grandma.  

Good news: Chemo should take care of any cancer cells hanging around my body! 
Bad news: My hair may be gone in a week or so, and I don’t want Lincoln and Clara’s last sight of me when they go back to the Philippines to be a bald-headed grandma. 

Good news: My husband is with lots of the team right now, getting ready to open the new campus! 
Bad news: I’m not there. And that’s where I want to be. 

Everything is going to be fine - it’s just one of those days when if I had an option, I would not have chosen this journey. I need to rest. I am sad, but I'm not throwing up, and I am so thankful for that! But God knows where I am, and He’s okay if I’m happy and sad, because He made me and loves me. And I love Him, too, even if I am sort of hating cancer a lot at this point.

Thank you for your prayers for us! And I am feeling better now.  

“O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me... Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” - Psalms 139:1-10, 23-24

January 9, 2015 - Chemo 1, Day 3

It's been a good day! Definitely more tired and a little queasy. I worked at home this morning and went to LF West this afternoon; it was so fun to see everything going on! It looks amazing. Planning to not go out there tomorrow; going to save my energy for Sunday! I know it is going to be an incredible weekend!!

January 8, 2015 - My Mom

My mom died of breast cancer. She was diagnosed with it in her late 40's, and was in remission for several years. When it was discovered again, it had metastasized to her bone marrow. I will never forget the words the oncologist used about what they saw in the first scan - "it [cancer] lit up the scan like a Christmas tree." This time, it was not going back into remission. 

My mom had a strong faith - it was her goal to please God in everything she did. When faced with a cancer that was "treatable but not curable," it shook her - but not for long. One of the most powerful things my mom ever told me was, "Kathy, I taught you how to live, and now I will teach you how to die." And way before the song "Live Like You Were Dying," my mom modeled that for me. 

She showed me the importance of relationships, of a genuine walk with God, of living a life of eternal significance - rather than the temporary. One day about a year before she died, she said, "Every day now, I want to make sure that what I am investing my time in will survive the fire of testing, and that I will have gold to lay at the feet of Jesus - not stubble and hay that will be destroyed." 

This life is a vapor - the next is eternal. That isn't scary at all - it means to me that when you think from an eternal perspective, the quality of life here on earth is that much sweeter! So thankful for the legacy that my mom left - it is serving me well during this journey!

"Because of God’s grace to me, I have laid the foundation like an expert builder. Now others are building on it. But whoever is building on this foundation must be very careful. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have—Jesus Christ. Anyone who builds on that foundation may use a variety of materials—gold, silver, jewels, wood, hay, or straw. But on the judgment day, fire will reveal what kind of work each builder has done. The fire will show if a person’s work has any value." (1 Corinthians 3:10-13 NLT)

January 8, 2015 - Chemo 1, Day 2

I am doing very well! Yesterday, we talked with the chemo orientation nurse about work, etc., and she said if I felt like it, I should go to work; if I didn't feel like it, I should stay home. That wouldn't have been so easy to do when I was a litigation paralegal - generally, if you're in court, there's not much flexibility!

But I am blessed to have an incredible boss who, when I say I am coming into work, says "don't overdo it, we've got it" - and I really appreciate that.  To have the go-ahead to work when I feel like it is awesome!!!

Today is the last day of steroids, which may be helping me to feel so good. But I have NO doubt in the ultimate source of my strength, and I am so thankful for God's hand of protection and blessing.

"The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving." - Psalms 28:7 (NLT)

January 7, 2015 - Last Update on Chemo 1, Day !

We have been blessed today. You can try to prepare, but everyone has a different experience. Some people have problems with reactions to one of the meds that I had today; our nurse watched me carefully and I had no reactions. God is good.

Our medical team has given us great information on what to watch for, and we will do that. But the biggest issues they feel I will have are extreme fatigue at some points, and everyone says I will lose my hair. Whatever God has planned, we trust Him. 

They definitely feel that any nausea issues will be controlled, which was a real answer to prayer for me. I came home with two nausea meds, with instructions to let them know if they don't work, and they will try other meds. So far, no nausea. Thankful!

Thank you so much for your prayers for us. We have felt blanketed in peace and protection! 

Praise the LORD! Sing to the LORD a new song. Sing his praises in the assembly of the faithful. O Israel, rejoice in your Maker. O people of Jerusalem, exult in your King. Praise his name with dancing, accompanied by tambourine and harp. For the LORD delights in his people; he crowns the humble with victory. Let the faithful rejoice that he honors them. Let them sing for joy as they lie on their beds. (Psalms 149:1-5 NLT)

January 6, 2015 - Checklist for the Week!

Here is our checklist for this week; definitely not a "normal" week for us!  

Tuesday (today) - Tony's last day at Corky's (after 16 years with an amazing company and great people; he will miss them!). He is coming on staff full-time at Life Fellowship; in addition to campus pastor responsibilities at LF West, he will be working centrally to further develop our process and systems to help people connect at their campus.

Wednesday - My first chemo treatment. Feeling calm, not at all anxious; we know that people are praying for us!

Thursday/Friday/Saturday - preparing for SUNDAY!

Sunday - Life Fellowship West opens!!!

It feels like Tony and I have come full circle. Not everyone knows that when we were first married, Tony was a youth pastor (and I was the happy little wife that did whatever needed to be done - bulletins, playing piano, etc.). Church was much different then. Our first church experience was so awesome (Fort Madison peeps - we love you!!) but after we left there, we decided that we didn't want to be in full-time ministry. We just wanted to have regular jobs and volunteer at church, which is what we have done - until Life Fellowship.

Tony has said for years that we were born to be a part of Life Fellowship - Patrick and Treasa are so special to us, and we knew from the beginning that God had called us to help them in whatever needed to be done. We are both honored to be part of this team, and we can't wait to see what God has planned for 2015!

Thank you??

Less than a week to chemo, and I have found myself getting a little nervous.  Even though I think that I am a "former" control freak, the fact that I have very little control over my life - and schedule - for the next few weeks is testing my resolve a little!  :)

Today as I was praying, I felt like I needed to say "Thank you" to God for this storm.  Not to be a martyr, patiently enduring what is happening, and not to just ask for God's protection, but to say, "Thank you for bringing me here."  My initial reaction was definitely to push back, thinking hey, I'm doing pretty good to just maintain composure and be nice, but saying thanks???

I'm pretty sure "all circumstances" would apply to my situation when Paul says, "Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." (I Thessalonians 5:16-18 NLT). There is no small asterisk there that lists cancer as an exempted item.

In ALL circumstances.  So if I truly believe that God is not surprised by this, then even though I can't see it at the moment, God sees the bigger picture and knows that there is VALUE to this journey.  Lessons that I wouldn't learn any other way.  That is actually pretty exciting - to think that whatever God is teaching me is WORTH the unknowns, sadness and frustrations of this time.  

I read a great quote by Darlene Zschech, a worship leader who went through a battle with breast cancer in the past year:

Through this journey I am discovering again and again, that no matter how dark your darkest day may be, God holds you.  Even at the bottom of the deepest pit, He is still there, calming you reassuring you that He is still in control.  I lean into this truth every day and in and through this, the miracles I am finding are amazing me.  They are - if we choose to see them.... I have found that when the business of the “ordinary” is brought to a stand still, what we are able to hear is amazing.

I want to be listening.