Dec. 14, 2015 - Joy to the World!

I learned yesterday that this is probably the last Christmas on earth for a friend of mine. Barring a miracle, she will not be here next year. 

I remember spending Christmas with my mom when she was terminal - when her cancer was treatable but not curable. 

Christmas looks different when it may be your last. Little details seem much less important. Spending time with those closest to you and truly ENJOYING traditions together - whatever those look like. There is nothing more important. 

The quality of our lives is actually better when we keep this perspective in mind. When we treasure this year, this day, this MOMENT - because we aren't promised another moment, another day, another Christmas. 

Tony and I are taking a different look at Christmas this year, compared to other years. We are investing more in memories than in things. We are spending time with friends and family, enjoying the moments, and not worrying so much about whether we have the perfect whatever... recipe, gift, etc. People won't remember what you gave them, what you cooked, what you wore, as much as they will remember the time they spent with you. 

The best gift we can give as we head into the next 10 days is the gift of ourselves, being present for each moment that God gives us! 

Joy to the World!!

Dec. 6, 2015 - Radical Joy

Last Sunday night, I came down with a HEADACHE (the kind where you are dizzy, nauseous and alternating burning up and freezing). It has been with me all week, with periodic breaks which have been wonderful!! 

The Christmas decorations we started to put up last weekend are only partially finished, because walking around seems to make me want to throw up. The house is a mess, and I need to go to the grocery store. smile emoticon

That is what is happening in the physical realm. Not so much fun! 

But Tony and I were talking today about how very blessed we are, in so many ways. There are so many tough issues that people are dealing with - and although we don't know why this new health stuff is going on right now, it is manageable. 

The conclusion? 

We will choose radical joy! I came across this today - I posted it 4 or 5 years ago, and God used these words to encourage me and to remind me how crucial it is to find the joy in each day!!

"Choosing joy in your everyday life means more than just knowing the right things to think. The correct passages to quote. The theological doctrines of joy.

Choosing joy is a radical decision to honor God by experiencing the depths of God's promises to us. It's desiring Him above all else, rejoicing in His character, and living joyfully, according to His Word.

Radical joy is sin-destroying, world-changing, wound-healing, other-centered, and mission-minded. Radical joy creates a God-glorifying life. This year, may we choose radical, sold-out joy. Come alive joy. Passionate joy. Change-me-competely kind of joy." - Angela Thomas 

Life can be frustrating. It's not always easy. But we can find it. We can dig deep and choose joy. Joy IS there to choose and to use as our spiritual weapon against whatever comes against us. No matter what we are dealing with, God is with us and He will NEVER leave us or forsake us! His plans are best!!

Good tidings of great joy to you!!

Nov. 26, 2015 - Looking Back

A year ago at Thanksgiving, I was recovering from major surgery and hoped that would be the end of my cancer story. It wasn't. I didn't know that this year would include chemo and eye surgeries and a bone scan - and I don't know what 2016 holds - but I am thankful for the faithfulness of God! The words of this article resonate with me - praying for all my friends and family who are struggling today!

"Through the hard times, the most profound lesson I’m learning involves redefining of my definition of Thanksgiving. I am challenged to be more than just “thankful”.

I am challenged to do something even more difficult—I’m challenged to trust.

I am proclaiming right now that in times of suffering, a heart of gratitude means more than just saying “thank you”—it means believing that God is who He says He is. Believing that He is good, that He is love, and that He is for me. Believing that He never changes, that He never fails, and that He is working all things for what is good.

Whatever it is you are struggling through right now, may this Thanksgiving be a reminder of God’s everlasting faithfulness for your life.

Whatever it is that is weighing on your heart and burdening your mind, be reminded that though you don’t understand the reason—there is a loving God that does, and He is walking by your side every step of the way. He will never leave you, and He never has." - Debra Fileta, Relevant Magazine

Nov. 23, 2015 - Giving Thanks

Giving Thanks

I am pretty sure that there has never been a Thanksgiving in my life, where I have truly felt SO thankful for every blessing. Here is my (abbreviated) list! smile emoticon

1. The unconditional love of God - the peace, joy, comfort and hope that He offers

2. Tony - he is the perfect husband for me!

3. My girls and their husbands - Mindy and Kelli are two of my very best friends, and I am so thankful that God blessed them with Michael and John, who love them so much!

4. Clara, Tucker, Lincoln, Bonnie and Graham - Each of you are very special to us. You are so unique, and you give us a new perspective on life. To Graham - I didn’t understand why chemo came into my life at almost the same time you did - but God has used you to bring so much joy and healing to my heart and I am so glad that we’ve had this year to get to know each other!

5. Our extended family - thank you for your prayers and love for us this past year!

6. Our friends who are like family - you have encouraged and prayed for us, laughed and cried with us, kept us company when we weren’t much fun, brought us food, cards, gifts and flowers, came all the way from Alaska to visit (thank you, Kris!), let us stay at your beach house (thank you, Lori!), cleaned our house (thank you, Susan!), wrapped our Christmas gifts (thank you, Kelli Bergstrom!), and been God’s hand extended to us.

7. Patrick & Treasa - thank you for your friendship, support and love, and for walking with us through the most difficult seasons in our lives!

8. The Life Fellowship staff/family - I am so honored to serve with you, and cannot wait to see what God has planned for us in 2016!

9. The community of friends who I have met and/or become closer to because of our shared cancer experiences. You are some of the bravest people that I know, and I am praying for you.

10. Our Life Fellowship West family - both the team that went with us to West and the new friends that God has blessed us with. It’s hard for me to believe that it’s been less than a year since Life Fellowship West opened! You have become such a big part of my heart in this short time, and I am so excited to see what God has ahead for West! 

11. An incredible medical team who has helped us through so much! And I’m especially thankful for my medical friends who have been able to give me the inside scoop / regular-word explanations for things when I haven’t been clear on things. 

12. Renewed health and energy. I missed you!! 

13. Hair.  smile emoticon

Happy Thanksgiving!

Nov. 19, 2015 - Not About Me!

I want to let you all know something - why I post about this journey with cancer. From the day I was diagnosed, I felt like God was giving me such comfort and peace and direction, and that He was saying "This isn't about just you, and it's not just about cancer. It's about trusting in Me." 

And that is why I share what is happening in my life with my Facebook friends. Not because I am so unique (statistics show that millions of people are diagnosed with cancer every year) or because I want sympathy - I am blessed beyond measure! But I am learning more every day about the value and importance of committing our day, whatever it looks like, to God, and about truly believing that HE will use our circumstances for His glory. It is the best lesson I have ever learned, and I am continuing to learn more every day!

I read this today and had to share it. Attitude + confidence in the goodness of God = unstoppable power!!  smile emoticon

"Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude toward life. The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there's no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me." Chuck Swindoll

Nov. 18, 2015 - Good Father

I had a regularly scheduled follow up appointment with my oncologist on Monday - the first time I had been there in six months. I have been having some pain in my ribs for a few weeks, and my doctor scheduled a bone scan, which will happen the first week in December. It's possible for breast cancer to metastasize to ribs, so I'm grateful for a proactive doctor who checks things out!

I am not stressing about it - and there is no reason to think the scan will be bad - but it is definitely on my mind. So as the holidays approach, we again have a choice to make - joy or fear. And we definitely choose joy!

This past year has taught me the importance of focusing on the blessings around me. We will enjoy having all our family together before Kelli and John head back to the Philippines in early 2016. We will reject wasting time dwelling on "what if's" - but continue to believe that nothing that happens in our lives is a surprise to God, and He orders our days.

I have listened to this song over and over this week - and I am SO thankful for our Good, Good Father!!

"I've heard a thousand stories of what they think you're like
But I've heard tender whispers of love in the dead of night
And you tell me that you're pleased
And that I'm never alone

You're a Good, Good Father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am

You are perfect in all of your ways
Perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us

You're a Good, Good Father
It's who you are, it's who you are, it's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am, it's who I am, It's who I am"

Nov. 9, 2015 - Ordered Steps

The most amazing thing happened as I was flying back to Memphis yesterday. 

There had been no assigned seats on any of my flights until we got to the gate, and as I got on my last flight, I was (for the second time on the trip) assigned to a seat at the very back of the plane. I was thinking I might contact the airline to find out what the problem was.... Until I started talking to the person sitting next to me. Although we had never met, it turns out that she has been attending LF West, and we had a great time talking! We are now friends (fb says so!) and will definitely be talking more in the future. smile emoticon

What may seem like an aggravation, or an amazing coincidence, is nothing less than God, specifically ordering our steps for His purposes!!

Oct. 31, 2015 - Race for the Cure

What a difference a month makes! As I headed into October and the one-year mark of my cancer diagnosis, I felt discouraged. I had been having some health issues, was facing surgeries, and was generally tired of doctors. Even though my doctors are awesome! I also thought that I would prefer to skip all the pink October "reminders" everywhere about breast cancer. 

Fast forward to now. Surgeries are done. Energy level is so much better. We had a great time at the race, dressed head to toe in pink. It was more emotional than I had anticipated to pull on a "survivor" t-shirt and to see so many others wearing the same shirt. 

Cancer stinks. It has been a challenging year and I have plenty of scars to show from the battle, but with the help of God and an army of people around us, I AM most definitely a thankful survivor!  smile emoticonphoto.php

October 15, 2015

“Choose to view life through God's eyes. This will not be easy because it doesn't come naturally to us. We have to allow God to elevate our vantage point... Let Him do what you cannot. Ask Him to give you an eternal, divine perspective.” ― Charles R. Swindoll

One year ago tonight, I went to sleep, not having any idea of the tidal wave that was about to come over our lives. The day when my doctor said, "I wouldn't be surprised if this is cancer." 

The diagnosis was a surprise to us - but it wasn't a surprise to God. Never has there been a time when God has made Himself more real than in this past year. God has used each trial to show us another dimension of His love for us, and I am grateful for His hand of protection.

It's all about perspective - and from where I stand, this has been a very good year!

October 12, 2015 - A Paradox

After spending last week at home, and most of today at the doctor (scheduling dental implants for Oct. 19 and eye surgery for Oct. 26), this was "good medicine" for me!  smile emoticon

"Sometimes in your life you’re going to be so weak you can’t even pray, read the Bible, or go to a Bible study.... What do you do in those moments? You rest in the strength of the Lord, in his arms like a little child, and you trust.

Weakness can actually be a good thing in your life if it causes you to depend on God. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, “Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (NLT).

That’s the paradox of depending on God — the more you’re weak, the more you depend on God. And the more you depend on God, the stronger you get." - Rick Warren

October 9, 2015 - Growing Our Faith

"God NEVER stops building our faith. The day is coming when the things that scare you today will seem like no big deal." - Christine Caine

October 16th will mark one year since my doctor told me, "I wouldn't be surprised if this is cancer." 

I never felt fearful about having cancer - I knew from day one that God had our days planned and He was with us. I WAS fearful about what the journey would look like, who would get all the things done that I needed to do - and I couldn't comprehend dealing with chemo. Now - after four surgeries, chemo, hair loss, too many prescriptions and doctors appointments to count, with more surgeries on the calendar - I have such a different perspective. 

What stands out to me the most about this past year is how much my faith has grown. The things that I worried about and feared a year ago do not worry or frighten me now. I understand with such clarity how little control I have over my days - and how much God can be trusted to provide. I have seen God meet every need. Our family and friends have been His hands extended - sending a card, flowers, a meal, a word of encouragement; just what we needed, and just when we needed it. 

One year later - God has been with us and God is good!!

"But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)

September 28, 2015 - Opportunity for Joy

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4 NLT

I read this familiar passage tonight and found it to be so full of powerful and comforting truth! I will have another surgery related to breast cancer this Monday, and it definitely is something that could be considered a trial - it involves pain, recovery time, and the saddest thing, inability to carry my sweet baby grandson for a month! 

It is a temporary frustration - but it is most of all, an opportunity for great joy. Not just to feel superficially happy, but to choose and to experience the joy that only God can give. This journey is definitely a marathon, rather than a sprint - and I have always been better at short distances! But God is teaching me every day about the importance and value of endurance, of consistency, of taking the next step, then the next, without faltering. And with each step, He gives more strength for the next step. 

So thankful for God's perfect provision for us and for His Living Word, which provides the encouragement we need for each new day!

September 24, 2015 - Then/Now

This week has been so special. A time for our family to get away - something we have never done before. We have laughed, danced, swam, played and rested. The kids have had so much fun. We have eaten at the house for every meal - not eaten out once!! For anyone who knows me, that is unheard of! But we have enjoyed every minute together. 

We hadn't planned to take any family pictures. They are stressful on their best days and we didn't want to ruin the fun by worrying over that! Tonight, after the family variety show (yes, we did that!) and before the crab hunt (??), the people in the house next to us were out at the beach taking pictures. We decided to go for it - we ran down to the beach for an "as is" picture and it turned out pretty good! Everybody was at least looking towards the camera!!

I love to compare "then" and "now". "Then" - the top picture - was right before I started chemo. Almost nine months later, there are still challenges. We found out last week that I will have three more surgeries before the end of the year. If I had known "then" how long this process would be, I might have been overwhelmed. But God knows what we can handle. 

One thing I know for sure - the "now" me is much more likely to go to God about everything. I trust Him, even more so on the days where I feel discouraged. He has a plan for each of us, and He will use all things for good. I am thankful for this journey and know that He has the future under His control!

“I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge” (Psalm 62:5–8, NLT).

September 18, 2015 - No Cape Required

This has been a busy week, in a busy season. 

I went to the dentist's office on Wednesday. Two crowns had fallen out and I needed to get them put back in. No problem. Crowns in. While I was there, we decided to go ahead and clean my teeth and check on the status of some issues that my oral surgeon had noticed a couple of months ago. My quick trip to the dentist turned into three hours and three new crowns. My motto is, why put off until tomorrow, what you can do today!! And by the way, my dentist and his staff are great - SO thankful for them!!

Today, I have two doctor's appointments. My eyes are about the same, which is causing frequent headaches. Also, I am scheduled for a follow up surgery on October 5th, related to my double mastectomy last year. A lot of health stuff continues to take a lot of time. Chemo takes a toll on your body long after the treatments are finished. 

We are going on vacation next week!! A wonderful blessing to use a vacation home of a precious lifelong friend. We have been planning it since I found out that I needed to have chemo. And our church, where Tony and I serve on staff, is experiencing tremendous growth. We are privileged to work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met!! But it doesn't feel like a good time to be taking a vacation!! Who has time to pack?? Not me!!

I am so excited about all the good things happening - and I am at the same time physically worn out. I feel like I can't catch up - every time I start to make progress, a doctor appointment or two pops up. But at the same time, I am so grateful for wonderful medical care. I am unsettled. Thankful but fretting. A little roller coaster-like!!  smile emoticon

It is time to just stop.
Focus.
Remember to choose truth, not facts. 

God is with me, He knows the plans for my life, He has never once asked me to throw on a super hero cape and conquer the world. He tells me to give my burdens to Him. To rest in Him.

He offers us peace and rest but we are too wound up sometimes to see it there, waiting for us. 

God, thank you for your consistent love for us. Always there, unconditional and full of grace and mercy. Let us slow down enough to recognize it! 

What a perfect verse for this up and down night!!

“Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.”
Hebrews 4:14-16 MSG

September 6, 2015 - He Knows

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16 NIV

Cancer and chemo and eye issues have changed me - for the better. It has not been easy physically, but I rely a lot less on myself these days, and rely much more on God! He has used this season to show me that, even on hard days, He can be relied upon to provide whatever is needed - a friend to say the right words, a verse or song to speak comfort to my heart. 

There have been so many times in the last year when I have felt like I need to get past all this cancer/chemo/eye stuff so I can focus on the things I am "supposed to be" doing. More and more, I am coming to understand that this IS what I am supposed to be doing - walking this path with faith in Him. And I never thought I would post some of these pictures - like when I was losing my hair or feeling sad! But the truth is, life can be hard but God can make beauty from ashes. smile emoticon

A precious friend sent me these lyrics today, and they are true for every one of us!!

"Every hurt and every sting
He has walked the suffering
He knows
He knows
Let your burdens come undone
Lift your eyes up to the one
Who knows" - Jeremy Camp

August 29, 2015 - Abundant Joy

This week has been interesting. I got my hair done. Yay!!  smile emoticon

I got a serious cold - which apparently clogged up my sinuses and made my eye hurt. Boo!  frown emoticon

We are starting small groups this week, and I am SO excited for the opportunity to hang out with fun people! Yay!  smile emoticon

In my continuing eye adventures - my vision is to the point in my “bad” eye that it’s really difficult to drive at night. So I’m not going to do that for awhile. Boo frown emoticon

This is not earth-shattering, world-ending trouble - but it is frustrating and a little unnerving.

I realized this afternoon that eye issues have lasted longer than the surgery/chemo experience. And they aren’t over yet. Our awesome eye doctor (who is also a friend and hasn’t blocked me from texting him with all my eye questions!!:) told me today, “stop analyzing this.” He’s right. Basically, it is what it is - we know that I will have cataract surgery in my “bad” eye when it gets to a certain point, and my formerly “good” eye will do what it’s going to do - get better, or develop a hole which leads to surgery/face down time. But there is no time frame. It’s up to God and my eyes - not me. 

I want my eyes to be back to normal. Not being able to see very well, or to work on a computer (which I do a lot of), or to see details in faces is all unfamiliar to me. And makes me impatient. And un-joyful.

BUT GOD knows exactly what we need! I have read “My Utmost For His Highest” before - but words are jumping out to me and things that I am reading make sense in a different way than they have before. Like this - HOW AMAZING IS THIS???? smile emoticon

“Huge waves that would frighten an ordinary swimmer produce a tremendous thrill for the surfer who has ridden them. Let’s apply that to our own circumstances. The things we try to avoid and fight against— tribulation, suffering, and persecution— are the very things that produce abundant joy in us. “We are more than conquerors through Him” “in all these things”; not in spite of them, but in the midst of them. A saint doesn’t know the joy of the Lord in spite of tribulation, but because of it. Paul said, “I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation” (2 Corinthians 7:4). The undiminished radiance, which is the result of abundant joy, is not built on anyth

August 29, 2015 - "Do Not Fret"

It is one thing to say, “Do not fret,” but something very different to have such a nature that you find yourself not fretting. 

It’s easy to say, “Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him” (Psalm 37:7) until our own little world is turned upside down and we are forced to live in confusion... Is it possible to “rest in the Lord” then? 

If this “Do not” doesn’t work there, then it will not work anywhere. This “Do not” must work during our days of difficulty and uncertainty, as well as our peaceful days, or it will never work... Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God Himself. 

- My Utmost for His Highest

August 27, 2015 - Kindred Spirits and a Haircut!

This week, a very special thing happened. I got my hair cut (well... trimmed!) and colored! smile emoticon It is first time I've been at my friend Amanda's salon since January. 

30 weeks ago, she cut off the bulk of the hair remaining on my head. It was not a very fun time for any of us. A lot has happened since then. This week, we closed the door on another chapter of this story, with a heart full of thankfulness. I am feeling more like myself. It's easy to smile and be joyful this week. 

Life is more normal, but a lot has changed inside me. I am so much more aware of people who are on this journey. The thing I feared the most - chemo - is the common bond with so many. And although everyone has a different story, we are kindred spirits and my life is enriched because of them. 

In our message at church this past weekend, we talked about how God uses storms in our lives. I can say without a doubt that God has used this storm to change me for the better. I see His hand in so many small details of the past year, and I am thankful for His hand of peace and protection!

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.” Isaiah 26:3-4 NIV

August 13, 2015 - Eye Update

I went back to my regular eye doctor today to follow up with eye issues. 

The good news: I don't have (clinical, progressive) macular degeneration!! smile emoticon

The not as good news: I have deterioration of the macula in my "good" eye. It was there this spring but is more deteriorated now, and will either get better on its own or become a macular hole (which is what led to surgery/face down time). We just need to watch it. 

In other news - I have a cataract in my "surgery" eye which will eventually need to come out. In the meantime, I will have trouble with distance vision. Knowing why that is happening and how it can be resolved makes me feel SO much better!!

All in all - it was a great visit. With both eyes, there are issues - but they will either improve naturally or there will be a surgical intervention, which will ultimately improve my eyesight. That is a win all around!

Thankful for an excellent doctor who has been such a huge help to us and who always takes the time to explain things!!  smile emoticon

August 4, 2015 - Trust

You ever notice how Facebook asks "what's on your mind?" Well, thanks for asking, Facebook!! Here you go!!  smile emoticon

I woke up a few minutes ago with my eyes on my mind. The idea of an ongoing problem with my eyes has rattled me. I wasn't thrilled about having cancer but I adjusted to it. I had an easy time believing that God had the whole situation under control. Even finding out last Friday that I had to have another surgery wasn't earth-shattering. I can deal with that, no big deal! 

When I first had issues with my eye in March and eye surgery in April, it didn't occur to me that I could have ongoing eye problems. (As a side note - I have an incredible team of eye doctors; they are very proactive and have done an awesome job of taking care of my eyes). My biggest concern was sitting with my head down for awhile - which turned out okay!  smile emoticon

But the diagnosis this week is different. Harder. Not reversible, with the possibility of getting worse. I never thought about having chronic eye problems. I think I took good vision for granted. Having vision problems in my good eye is, honestly, frightening. After all, you only have two! This latest development has made me cry - quite a bit. And worry about the future. 

That's when He reminds me, over and over, through His word, through a song, through something I read, that He is sovereign and that He has a plan. Today when I left the doctor's office, I was very sad. The thought went through my mind, "If God's plan for you was to not be able to see, would you trust Him?" I can say that I would - but I would probably be asking Him a lot of questions. smile emoticon

So tonight when I woke up, this is what I read. I had actually posted it a year ago. It was written by a high school friend of mine who went through a really tough medical time a few years ago. It spoke to me, just like so many other similar writings have spoken to me in the past week:

"Rather than praying for soft or hard, easy or difficult, I believe that the better prayer is that we would experience God in whatever circumstances we find ourselves. I’m wondering today if I spend too much energy praying to God about my circumstances, and too little seeking to hear from Him in the midst of my circumstances... We get lulled to sleep by good times or in such a hurry to get out of hard times that we fail to look for Him at all times. I’m calling us—myself included—to give heed to hearing the voice of God in the midst of the storm or calm. We can always go back to our “God change this” petitions, but for a few days perhaps we’d be better to spend less time telling Him what He should do and more time asking Him what He is already doing." - John Stumbo

I am thankful for a God that understands through our confusion and who loves us no matter what. Who comforts us when we are sad and who loves us enough to walk us through what we need to help us grow!!

"The father instantly cried out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 (NLT)

August 3, 2015

Trust in God isn’t a thin hope in some not very sure outcome. Hope in God is rather a present investment in a future guarantee. What God says will be done. What God has promised will come to pass. His word is reliable because in his grace he wants to bless us, and in his power he has the ability to do anything he has promised to do. 

You place yourself in the hands of a sovereign God of grace who knows exactly what you need, when you need it, how you need it, and where you will need it... No, you won’t always understand what he is doing, and you will be tempted to think that he has gotten his timing wrong, but the more you entrust your life to him, the more you will experience his faithful grace again and again. Paul David Tripp

August 1, 2015 - Love How God Speaks to Us!.

"The idea of bittersweet is changing the way I live, unraveling and reweaving the way I understand life. Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a sliver of lightness on even the darkest of nights, a shadow of hope in every heartbreak, and that rejoicing is no less rich when it contains a splinter of sadness... When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow." Shauna Niequist

"For the one who is hurting, you are getting impatient with God’s slow response time to your prayer for healing. For the one who is working with all your strength at a job that appears to be fading – you may think God isn’t keeping track of your real needs – but He is. He is doing more than counting hairs on heads and falling sparrows today – He sees and He knows. A bit of patience, mixed with a sincere dose of humility, topped by a pouring of honest trust in the character of God expressed in His Word is exactly what we need." Randall Smith

July 31, 2015 - Winding Road

Today has been a wonderful day! We got together for a delightful "early anniversary" dinner. It was delicious! Then we hung out on the Peabody roof for a little while as the sun was setting. The weather was perfect and the view was beautiful. 

Earlier today, I had an appointment with the plastic surgeon. Follow-up surgeries are sometimes needed after reconstruction, and by the end of the appointment, we were making arrangements for surgery. That will be happening in early October. I'm not overly concerned, but another surgery and recovery in 2015 hadn't really been on my radar. 

This weekend, we will have a fun time including getting to see everybody at LF Church - one of the best parts of the week! 

Monday, we head back to the eye doctor for an angiogram of my eye to see what's up. 

A winding road. That's what this week has been. Things I LOVE and things unexpected. Life is like that. We do not always know what's around the next corner - but we are NEVER alone on this journey. As unexpected things have happened, God's peace and presence has increased. What used to feel like a roller coaster, now feels like a winding road. It is all about perspective!! And I intend to sit back and enjoy the view. 

“There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!” Romans 5:3-5 MSG

July 29, 2015 - Eye Update

I was back at the eye surgeon's office today. I've noticed that my eyes have been more blurry - but hadn't really narrowed down the problem. As they explored what was going on, it became apparent that I was having issues with my "good" eye with similar symptoms to what started out the adventure with my other eye in March. 

The doctor suspects it is related to macular edema and is going to do additional testing on Monday to determine if there is fluid "leaking" in my eye. Hmmmm. 

He said that it doesn't appear to be a surgical issue. Yay!! Considering how quickly my eye went from "let's watch" to "let's do surgery" last time (less than a week), it does make me a little uneasy. 

It's interesting how your perspective changes. Last time we heard news like this, it was jarring. Alarming. This time (and again, no one is saying surgery) our reactions were sort of funny:

Tony said, "At least you're not bald this time." smile emoticon
I said, "I'm not afraid of the recovery. It WAS very relaxing."

While we aren't worrying about surgery, it is hard to deal with increasing vision problems / blurred vision in both eyes. 

So we will wait for Monday and another test. 

And in the meantime, life goes on and I will NOT waste the days worrying and wondering. God is in control of this journey and He knows what I need. I am thankful for His joy, for His peace that passes understanding and for His constant presence in our lives!!  smile emoticon

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure trials for a little while.” 1 Peter 1:6 NLT

July 22, 2015 - Emotions

This last week, I have been very emotional. I've been physically tired, and that definitely has an effect on coping ability. I also think that as we move away from cancer treatment, my mind is moving from "fight" mode to more reflection on everything that's happened. And it is a little overwhelming.

Major surgeries. Chemo. Losing my hair. An eye surgery and 12 days of "face down" time.

All of those things happened. And as they happened, we had an army of people praying for us and loving us. God has been with us. Looking back, that part of our journey is overwhelming, too! Our family has been incredible (I love our girls and their families so much - they are such a blessing!). Our church family - starting with our friends and pastors, Patrick and Treasa, have been amazing in every way.

So for now - I am overwhelmed and thankful. Sorting things out. Processing and regrouping. If you happen to see me and I cry and hug you, know that it is because I love you and I'm thankful for you in our lives!!

“The LORD replied, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.” Then Moses said, “If you don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place.” Exodus 33:14-15 NLT

July 13, 2015 - A Little Time Away

Today has been so fun!! The first day of a few days away, and the first trip we have taken since we went on a delightful trip to Northern California last July, one year ago.

One year ago. A lot has happened in one year!

I found a picture from our vacation last year, and when I put it next to a picture from today, I felt a little sad. Sad because this year has aged me. Sad for the me of last summer; she had no idea what was ahead.

Tony showed me a picture today that he took when I came out of eye surgery in April. I was face down and bald. Funny thing - when I looked at the me in that picture, I felt so much better! That might seem strange - but the picture reminded me of so many things that God has taught me this past year. How I had an opportunity to rest after the eye surgery. Of how far we've come - through some difficult days. Of the mercy He has shown us. Of all the blessings He has given us. Of how people have loved us and prayed for us.

Perspective is important. Seeing the good in the hard times is valuable. God is with us, every step of the way.

“Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.”

Psalms 143:8 NLT

July 8, 2015 - Just Keep Swimming!

First of all, an end-of-the-post spoiler. I am healthy and fine!!

I went to the doctor last Friday and they decided that I needed to have a "stat MRI" on my brain. The purpose was to make sure I didn't have any brain lesions or tumors.

Due to the July 4th holiday, they couldn't schedule the MRI until Monday. That was fine with me. The weekend was busy and fun and I didn't give it a whole lot of thought - until time for the MRI. My mind suddenly started running 1000 miles an hour - and none of the thoughts were particularly positive.

From the MRI until I got the "all clear" call this afternoon, I experienced a level of fear that I haven't had through this entire journey. I did my best to control my thoughts, but didn't do really well with it. I prayed for peace but it didn't suddenly envelope me. And my coping skills seem much less sharp than in the past!

From what friends with "experience" have told me, it's not unusual for people post-cancer to have lots of tests in the first year - everything is treated with more caution. But when you have been through surgery, chemo, etc., it is difficult to maintain composure and a positive attitude when faced with the possibility of more bad news.

I am thankful for praying friends and a husband and daughters who are calm and loving. For the comfort of the Bible. For a Heavenly Father who has my days planned and who loves me more than I can possibly comprehend. And I see the value of keeping life normal - to "Just Keep Swimming" - even if it means you occasionally need a time out to compose yourself!

Life after cancer - it is filled with blessings and difficulties, just like life before cancer! And we all get to choose our focus.

July 3, 2015 - It's the Little Things!

Yesterday, a momentous event occurred. I felt the wind blowing THROUGH my hair. It was an amazing feeling.

I look up to the mountains— does my help come from there? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. (Psalms 121:1-3 NLT)

July 1, 2015 - My Mom

July 3rd will mark 20 years since our mom/grandma passed away. In some ways, it feels like yesterday. In others, it seems so long ago. I miss her but I am thankful for the legacy that she left.

I wish that we could experience things together, but I have a feeling she knows what's going on around here.

She loved her children unconditionally, and loved her grandchildren fiercely. She would be so proud of the incredible adults that they are today - all six of them! They are smart, caring, and are concerned about more than just their own personal comfort. They reach out to love the people around them - even when it hurts and even when it's not easy. They are a lot like their grandma.

She would absolutely love spending time with her great grandchildren, and they would love spending time with her. She always had the most exciting adventures planned - riding in the back of the pickup truck, eating as many Popsicles as they could hold, bowling, swimming, looking at bugs in her garden. She could make everything magical. Many of her great grandchildren share her love of reading and possess excellent "language skills" (one of her favorite phrases). She was a teacher, and it is amazing how many educators are now in our family!

My biggest fear when mom passed away was that she would be forgotten. 20 years later, she is still with us in so many ways, and I am thankful for the blessing of her life and influence! Love you, Mom!!

June 28, 2015 - Falling Down! :)

I did the welcome with Tony this morning - as I was coming down the stairs off the platform, my shoe caught and I fell down the stairs. Awesome! I stood up and curtsied. it's okay to fall - just gotta get back up again!!

June 22, 2015 - Life These Days! :)

Most days, I am feeling normal! And I am thankful for so many things: days off with Tony, the ability to eat food without mouth sores, and for the energy to spend time with family and friends and to do simple things - like take walks!

Life feels much more like it used to, on most days. Then there are days when it feels like I am just kidding myself and that life is NOT back to normal....

The days when I see someone at the store and they don't recognize me because of my [lack of] hair. That makes me sad. 

The days when I am tired, or when my head hurts, and I wonder if there are cancer cells running around in my brain. That makes me nervous. And looking for answers by googling terms like "vascular invasion" and other words from my initial pathology report, or "headache after breast cancer" - NOT a good idea, as I read that it is most likely to metastasize to the bone, brain, liver or lungs. Then I start thinking, now that I read that info, I have also had pain in my leg and a cough that won't go away (additional symptoms of recurrence)... 

At some point, we have to tell ourselves to stop thinking all these things! Our minds can take us in so many directions, many of which are not at all helpful or accurate!!

Life after cancer - or after any traumatic experience - can definitely feel like a roller coaster of emotions!! There is extreme thankfulness for each day; at the same time, if not kept in check, there are nagging doubts about what's next. It's enough to make any of us a little on edge!!  smile emoticon

Isn't it amazing that the source of peace in the middle of the storm is still the source of peace when the water is calm, when the storm has passed, but when our minds are still racing? Nowhere else on this earth will we find perfect rest than in relying on God and His word. I am SO THANKFUL for the comfort and peace that only He can bring!  smile emoticon

“Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and put it on you, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in spirit; and you will find rest. For the yoke I will give you is easy, and the load I will put on you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 GNB)

June 12, 2015 - A Most Unusual Day

This morning, I had a follow up visit to the doctor who first diagnosed my cancer last October. No big deal!

The day was so similar to the day I was diagnosed - a warm, beautiful day, appointment was about the same time, Kelli and John were even in Springfield again, just like last October. It was a little "déjà vu" feeling...

Today, I was not prepared for the words, "have you noticed this lump?" "We need to check this..." but I was hearing it again!! After an ultrasound, another appointment was made for 3pm this afternoon for further investigation. I called Tony and texted a few friends to ask them to pray. 

The hours from 10am to 3pm were a little surreal. As Tony and I ate lunch, I said, "either this is nothing or it is bad" - like a tumor that survived and grew over the last seven months of medical treatment. But there was no fear - only peace, the kind that doesn't have anything to do with the circumstances around us. The "peace that passes understanding."

By 4pm, we got the news that everything was good - just scar tissue from surgery. They will continue to monitor it to make sure it is nothing more, but everyone is feeling good about it at this point. Thank you, God, for that blessing!!

I was reminded of how quickly circumstances can change and our lives can turn around. And as I looked through notes I have made since last October, I was thinking about the fact that God is always here for us, always the same, in the sunshine and the rain, when we laugh and when we cry. He never changes. Never. There is such comfort in that knowledge!!

“My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and the earth! He will not let you stumble and fall; the one who watches over you will not sleep. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never tires and never sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.... The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.” (Psalm 121:2-5, 8 NLT)

“But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7–8, NLT)

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom." Psalm 90:12, RSV)

June 6, 2015 - My Wise Husband and the Toughest Job

Today, Tony and I were talking about a difficult situation that friends of ours are going through. I told him that I have a hard time understanding why God is taking so long to bring the miracle that they need, and why they are having to go through this trial. 

His response surprised me. He said, "that's how I felt when you had to have eye surgery and keep your face down, after everything else you'd been through." 

Honestly, for me, the anticipation of eye surgery was harder than actual face down time. But my perspective was so different from Tony's. I wasn't watching my spouse face-planted into the pillow or chair day after day, with a totally, SHINY bald head. I wasn't the one who had to lead his bald spouse by the hand through the parking lot into the doctor's office because she couldn't see. 

Today, I really understood how hard this journey was for him. He was there for me every day, taking me to doctor appointments, sitting in waiting rooms for three surgeries, dealing with recoveries, walking with me through chemo and its aftermath, picking up prescriptions, holding my hand when my hair fell out, telling me I was pretty and that he loved me. He made everything about this journey so much easier! I love you, Tony, and I am so thankful for you!

So I have now been on both sides, and from my perspective, it is much more difficult to be the spouse, parent or child walking with a family member through illness or tragedy, than it is to be the patient. 

For all the caregivers who are dealing with a difficult situation - God does know where you are. On the days when it is so hard to pray, to comfort, to watch what your loved one is dealing with - God knows what it is like to watch his loved one suffer. And I am praying that He will give the strength and peace that you need for this moment. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24 NIV)

June 1, 2015 - Reflections

It seems like this journey is coming to a close! I'm stronger every day, my hair is growing, I'm going back to work this week, and I have what will hopefully be final visits with my eye surgeon and plastic surgeon. All good!

I have been trying to focus in on the "takeaways" from this journey and what God has taught me. 

There has definitely been a physical cost - a double mastectomy, losing your hair and dealing with the side effects of chemo will challenge anyone's self esteem and self-image. This journey has stripped away any issues I may have had with pride. It's not easy to go out in public with the same hairstyle as your husband. The choices are to hide at home, to cry about how unfair it all is, or to choose joy and take on the day. Some days have been easier than others, but joy has been the clear winner. 

If you told me a year ago what the next few months held... Well, it's just good that we can't see the future! The last seven months have been much different than I anticipated. I was looking forward to the opening of Life Fellowship's third campus, Kelli and John coming home from the Philippines, the birth of our new grandbaby, and so many other exciting things. Cancer was NOT part of my plans. So what do we do when plans change? We can shake our fist at God in frustration, we can cry in anger and sadness, or we can choose to face the change of plans with joy. 

If you asked me at the beginning of this journey what the biggest takeaway would be, I probably would have said something about staying strong through difficulty, or keeping your eyes on God and not becoming distracted from what He's doing in your life. Those are things that I have learned - but I would never have predicted that JOY would be the theme of this season. 

Who would think that God could use cancer to teach me so much about joy?? 

I read this the other day and it is so true - "I may not have the power to change my season, but I can always choose my response." And choosing to respond with joy as opposed to worry, frustration or efforts to control the situation - it is life changing. 

I will have many more good memories than bad of this time. Not that every day has been fun or easy - but in hindsight, the lessons learned have been well worth the struggles. 

Thank you to our friends and family for every encouraging prayer, message, post, text, email, phone call, hug, gift or meal. You have blessed us and made this road so much easier. smile emoticon

“But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made the LORD their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7–8 NLT).

“For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything” (James 1:3–4, NLT).

‪#‎FightBackWithJoy‬

May 25, 2015 - Second Update since Surgery

I hope everybody had a good weekend!! 

It has been a roller coaster week for us! After coming out of surgery and moving the right direction in recovery, I hit a wall and went backwards. I was EXHAUSTED - like I had been through a round of chemo. I slept almost 24 hours straight, my head hurt and was so foggy, my body was worn out, and I also felt extremely sad. Not a typical surgery recovery for me. 

The only thing that had changed was that I started taking Arimidex last week (which is a med that reduces the risk of recurrence of breast cancer). The oncologist prescribed it in late March, but with everything going on with my eye, I decided to give myself a rest and wait to start taking it until I was recovering from this last surgery. 

I haven't taken the medicine since Saturday night, and I am feeling better - well enough that we had everybody over for a cookout tonight. It was so fun having all of us together! I'm sad that we didn't get a picture taken - we'll have to do that next time!!  smile emoticon

I'm going to let the oncologist know that this isn't going to work for me - there are other options so we can look at a different med.

Thank you for praying for us!!

Lord, you have examined me and you know me. You know everything I do; from far away you understand all my thoughts. You see me, whether I am working or resting; you know all my actions. Even before I speak, you already know what I will say. You are all around me on every side; you protect me with your power. (Psalm 139:1-5 GNTD)

May 23, 2015 - An Update

One of my doctors told me that if someone wants to know how long it takes to "recover" from breast cancer, they should look at the time span from diagnosis to final treatment (7 months for me) and assume it will take that amount of time to be back to full strength. That means I shouldn't be surprised if it takes a few more months (until around Christmas - not that I'm keeping track of time!) to feel like myself again. Impatient Kathy thinks it should be a much quicker process... smile emoticon

This has been a good week. I'm tired, but that isn't terribly surprising. After all, I did have major surgery on Monday! One minute, I am fine and the next, I just really need to lay down and sleep. I am physically tired - but I am mentally and emotionally tired as well. And that is sometimes not a good combination!

When we are weary, life can feel overwhelming - things that normally wouldn't phase us can seem insurmountable. One thing I have learned on this journey is that there are times when you cannot trust your own emotions and feelings - and now is one of those times for me. 

So who can we trust? What do we believe? So thankful for God's Word - which never waivers in its truth. 

"But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the LORD’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out against them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you!” (2 Chronicles 20:17 NLT)

“I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.” (Psalm 62:5–8, NLT)

“My help comes from the Lord, who made the heavens and the earth! He will not let you stumble and fall; the one who watches over you will not sleep. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never tires and never sleeps. The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.... The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.” (Psalm 121:2-5, 8 NLT)

May 17, 2015 - Surgery Eve!

I am SO EXCITED! Seven months ago today, I was diagnosed with cancer (thanks for reminding me of the date, Carrie Conklin!) - and we are at the other end of this journey. Surgery is tomorrow morning, and I honestly can't wait. We will be home by tomorrow afternoon, if all goes as planned, with a two week recovery. 

Thank you for walking with us - celebrating "no wig" week, laughing, crying, listening, and praying for us. You have carried us so many days, and we are thankful for you!!