I was going to say those are the perfect words to describe this week, but that would be inaccurate. Roller coaster - the perfect words to describe my FEELINGS this week. Big difference.
In fairness to my feelings, I warned them!! And I warned God! I clearly told Him that I can deal okay with cancer and surgery - but throw chemo into the mix, with the potential for puking and no hair, and I may not feel quite so happy. And the timing?? Right before the new baby and right before Christmas?
BTW - WHEN IS FACEBOOK GOING TO GIVE US THE ABILITY TO ADJUST FONT SIZE, ITALICiZE, TO BOLD WORDS, USE COLOR, ETC. I MEAN REALLY!!!!! AND MY PHONE IS AUTOCORRECTING THE WRONG WORDS! AND I ORDERED A WIG!! AND MY KITTENS ARE CRAZY AND WON'T STOP PUTTING THEIR TOYS IN THE TOILET!! WHO WANTED THOSE CATS ANYWAY?? AND I DON'T LIKE CHOCOLATE BUT I JUST ATE HALF A BOX OF A WHITMAN'S SAMPLER!!! AND I WISH I HAD LAFFY TAFFY AND SOME TOOTSIE ROLLS!!
That has been me today. A little up and down feelings. A little roller coasterish. Trying to absorb and be thankful for the miracle of Baby Graham (who is adorable and healthy and very sweet!!). To enjoy the blessing of having our family here. But at the same time, I am fretting... about how dirty my house is and how far behind I am on wrapping presents, among 1000 other things. My brain is very full... Overloaded. Oh yes, and while Wednesday is Christmas Eve, it has another name this year - two weeks until chemo starts. Nothing feels like it used to feel. And I think I have developed ADHD.
A brief note from my overloaded brain. I am NOT setting up a story, only to be able to give you a deep spiritual application. This is a real-world, real-time look at our life. Poor Tony!! Who is amazing and has not once said, "Please stop talking." He has been putting in some incredibly long hours at work, but he listens and holds my hand. And my girls are so good!! And I am thankful for so many wonderful friends. You have encouraged us and prayed for us - today when I was having a major meltdown, a couple of them "talked me down" via text - funny emoticons always help!! Thank you.
It ALL comes down to feelings!! As I said the other day, feelings are unreliable and cannot be trusted to guide our day. The ONLY place to put our trust?? In God and His word. He can be trusted. He is big enough to handle our feelings - even if it means we are a little ticked off at Him! He already knows what we feel, and wants us - me - to come to Him for help. He has given us a clear pattern for how to deal with feelings. Thank you to my sweet Mindy for sending me this verse tonight. I know it so well, but I needed the reminder, and I love how the Message expresses it:
Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies. (Philippians 4:8-9 MSG)
Perfect guidance on navigating through an imperfect world. God is with us, even on the roller coaster. I am so very thankful!
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