February 27, 2015 - Coming Out of the Dark

The last week has been the most difficult week of my journey through cancer. The repetition of the chemo cycle - infusion, slowing down, pain, medication, sadness - has become familiar to me. This time, maybe because I knew what was coming, I dreaded it more. 

Physical weakness is difficult because when your body is tired, your mind is tired, and things can become distorted. That's where I found myself earlier this week. Knowing that God is with me, but feeling frustration at my physical and emotional frailties. Almost like an inexperienced pilot trying to navigate a small plane with visual flight rules instead of instruments - it is very possible that perspective becomes skewed. 

AT THOSE MOMENTS IN OUR LIVES, WE NEED A COMPASS. 

God and His Word are the compass that we need. They are clear direction when life is confusing, and they are not distorted. For anyone who feels that they have lost their way - the answer is there if we are willing to embrace Him. When we are hard on ourselves, He is there, waiting to shower us with mercy, grace, peace, and strength for each day. 

Margaret Feinberg, a fellow breast cancer traveler, has written a book called "Fight Back With Joy." Her words resonate with me today:

"I know now that without shadows, joy can feel shallow. But, when we can discover joy while in the fight of our lives—no matter what that is—it is lasting.

Today, trust when it makes no sense?

Today, seek His presence when He feels so far away?

Today, fight back with joy?

Everyone who has faced a challenge, or who knows someone in the midst, needs to know that —

suffering doesn’t win.

Joy wins."

Somebody needs that reminder tonight. So thankful for a God who loves us and walks with us through each day. He is with us, and He is good.

February 25, 2015 - Choosing

"Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!” (Nehemiah 8:10b NLT)

We are coming closer to the end of the chemo treatment tunnel. Just as there has been a cumulative nature to the physical side effects, the same is true of the impact on my mind and spirit, and today has not been the best. Today, I have felt fear, sadness and frustration, instead of joy. 

Why? 

Chemo will be finished soon, but that doesn't mean the cancer journey will be over. Finishing chemo does not mean cancer is forever eradicated. Chemo will be followed by another surgery in April, and then scans and tests begin in May. So while life gets much more "normal" after finishing chemo and other treatments - it is a fragile balance. The good news, what everyone hopes and prays for - is that cancer never comes back. But that isn't always the case.

The road ahead can look long, and sometimes lonely. There are times when I am talking with someone, and I suddenly feel very isolated - I can feel that the things that fill my day, and fill my future, are such a stark contrast to normal, to life before cancer.

So after spending much of today mulling over the "reality" of life after treatment, here is my conclusion:

I can't control the physical side effects of this battle, and I can't control the results of a PET scan, but I do have control over what I feed my mind and my spirit. And while I may be free to choose fear and sadness, after looking at those options - I will continue to choose joy. Even if chemo stinks. Even during surgery recovery. Even when I have to wear a wig. Even if test results are scary.

We all have issues in our lives. We all get to choose how we are going to deal with those life-altering, overwhelming challenges. No one is going to force us to live with joy instead of fear or anger or frustration. 

Having tried it both ways, joy once again wins for me. Joy is the better choice. Always. smile emoticon

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13 NLT)

February 17, 2015 - Tony Boyd

It's the night before chemo and I'm a little nervous. I haven't made a quick recovery from the last chemo and I am dealing with side effects that are new, and/or are lasting longer than last time. And ladies, I think you can relate to these frustrations (guys, if this is too much info, skip my list!):

1. I have a bald head (that is a news flash to no one!)
2. A side effect of one of my chemo meds is weight gain due to fluid retention. In a 5-day period, I gained 7 pounds, on top of weight I had already gained. I'm about 20-25 pounds heavier than when this adventure started. (And for my medical field friends - my doctor knows and I am on a new prescription for that.) I am closing in on the weight I was when I gave birth to our girls. Yippee! 

It will be okay! I am very thankful that nausea is controlled by meds and these are not life or death issues. However, this journey has been just as much about "taking thoughts captive" as it has been about the physical treatment - in some ways, it is more challenging. Which brings me to the subject of my post: 

Tony Boyd

He is taking a nap and doesn't know I am writing this - but I knew from the day that I met him that life would be fun with Tony. He could make me laugh when no one else could. He loved me through some hard times when we were first married, as we were married just a couple of years after my parents were divorced. Tony brought a joy to our lives that was amazing. 

Fast forward to kids and work and - life. There were times when I didn't appreciate how wonderful Tony was. We went through some difficult days but they only brought us closer and helped us to realize that if God was the center of our marriage, there was nothing too hard for us. 

We have had so much fun - but as we near 35 years of marriage (in August - and now the truth is out, we were 10 when we got married!), I have a much better understanding of what a gift God gave me in Tony. He truly leads our family. He tells me that I'm pretty every day - and more times on the days when I don't feel pretty at all!! He is an encourager - he always knows what to say when I'm having a hard time, he takes care of me when I am too tired to handle things. He is a prayer warrior - he prays for me and our family, loves our family, and he never fails to express that love. He started teaching me the value of joy from the day we met, and I am so thankful for the gift that God gave me. I love you, Tony Boyd, and I am thankful that you are on this journey with me!!

"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NLT)

February 17, 2015 - 10 Ways to Be a Better Friend to a Friend Dealing with Difficult Life Issues

I just read this list - and I am so fortunate that this is exactly what my friends have done for me.  The list was put together by breast cancer survivors (credit to Debba Haupert), but I've tweaked it a little, and I think it applies to any friend who is dealing with difficult life issues - infertility, a special needs child, illness, the loss of a family member.

1)  Provide encouragement - Sometimes a woman is looking for a friend simply to affirm that she is doing all the right things and that she’s going to be okay. Remind her of her strengths and victories, uphold her decisions and encourage her to keep going.

2)  Listen - Listen without judgment, whenever it’s needed. Avoid easy answers or telling her to buck up and be strong. There are times when life can be overwhelming and they need to talk about it. Be the person they need – and simply listen. Let them process their thoughts aloud, listen and care.

3)  Offer help – Instead of saying open-endedly, “Let me know if you need anything,” ask precisely what you can do. Ask your friend if she’d like you to bring dinner, do laundry, babysit or go grocery shopping for her.  Identify what needs to be done and ask if you can help her by doing it.

4)  Cheer her up – Do things that really help and buoy spirits. Buy her a pair of cute socks or flip flops, or a scarf. Give her a gift certificate for a massage or a manicure.

5)  Be understanding – Plato said “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Your girlfriend is going to have good and bad days, so be patient on those days when she may say something she might not mean, or not mean it the way it sounded. She is fighting a battle and deserves your patience, grace and understanding. Don’t take things personally… cut your girlfriend some slack.

6)  Help her communicate - She may not want to talk about what is happening all the time. While she’ll appreciate your interest in how she’s doing, it can be wearing to go through all the details again and again.

7)  Laughter is the best medicine – Give or lend her your romantic comedy movies or books, or take her to a chick flick. Send her funny cards or wrap up silly presents so she has fun gifts to open. Be flexible with your time – and jump at the chance to be with her when she’s feeling good.

8)  Offer inspiration – Share stories of people who have gone through the same thing and are doing well. We all need inspiration, reassurance and optimism. It’s even better if you can connect your friend with those people so they can talk to them.

9)  Friendship endurance – Be in this friendship for the long haul. There are going to be good and bad days, weeks, and months. Be her friend no matter what.  Continue to be there for her.

10) Celebrate life together! Look for opportunities to be together, to share memories and moments to remember, go on an adventure or explore together, laugh together and cry together when needed. See the beauty in each day as her friend and let her know that. Celebrate each day of friendship.

February 14, 2015 - Presents

(Warning - this is a long one!)

We celebrated Tony’s mom’s birthday and Valentines on Thursday night. Most celebrations in our family include Mexican food, so we partied at the Happy Mexican! I have never done it before, but instead of toys, I got all my grandkids CLOTHES for Valentine’s Day. The girls were great with them, and Graham doesn’t really care - but one little boy was very sad to receive clothes. He opened the present with anticipation, only to see it was a shirt and shorts. To quote said grandson: “Oh, no, that’s not a present. That’s a shirt! Where is the real present? I cannot have a shirt with a mustache on it at the end of the day. Gigi, you got me the wrong present.”

It was so sad!! And in defense of T, it is something relatively new for him to even care about gifts, so I don’t want anyone to be too hard on him!! And truthfully, adults can feel the same way; we just usually hide it better. Usually.

A few weeks ago, before I started chemo, I had some requests for God - gifts that I wanted Him to give me, if you will. I am pretty sure there were four things; my chemo brain can only remember three:

1) To not have nausea after chemo
2) To be able to go to the first service at LF West
3) To not lose my hair

I haven't had much nausea, and I am so thankful about that! But 2 and 3 didn't work out the way I had hoped. It was very hard to not be at the first service at LF West, but I have been able to be there since, and it is such an awesome campus!

Losing my hair has been difficult. You may already know that, since several posts and pictures have been devoted to hair, and my wigs even have names.  smile emoticon

I really had faith that God would answer that prayer, and that I wouldn't lose my hair. At the risk of sounding shallow - if I am honest about it, a part of me thought that God “owed” it to me, since I had TOLD HIM (I mean, asked Him) to not have chemo at all, but here I was, getting ready for chemo. A part of me thought that God would give me the “consolation miracle” of letting me keep my hair.

After my hair came out, I tried to figure out why that had happened. Was God trying to prove a point? That I was too vain and I needed to be taught about life without hair? That I had complained too many times about not liking my hair, so He was making sure I developed an appreciation for it? Was this a punishment?

I watched Tucker’s response to his gift the other night, and I saw myself struggling with God about my hair. Just like Tucker felt sad at not getting the gift he wanted, I can feel the same about God. I have an expectation and can be pretty upset when God doesn’t come through with what I thought would happen. But I have realized that when I am feeling that way, it's coming from a perspective that I am the center of the universe, with all planets revolving around me. I forget that IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. 

Here's the TRUTH: Losing my hair is not a punishment, it is a temporary side effect of medicine that I need to fight cancer. And can God use this situation? Yes! I have already seen God use this for good, as He puts ladies in my life that I can share with and pray for, because I know how they feel.

It really comes down to trust - do we TRUST God enough to believe that all things work together for good? That He loves us and has a plan for us? That there will be a purpose for the pain? Not easy questions, but He is big enough to handle our questions and our wrestling with them. I am so thankful for His patience and His goodness - even in the hard days.

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too." 

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (The Message)

February 13, 2015 - Keep Moving Forward

It is less than a week until Chemo #3. My chemo treatments are three weeks apart, to allow time for blood and platelet counts to rebound. Chemo #1 recovery was quick; I felt back to normal within about a week, but recovery from Chemo #2 has been slower. I have been much more tired, my mouth had sores and food tasted funny for at least twice as long, and I have had many more aches than the first time. I had an appointment this week with one of my doctors, who said that is to be expected; that there is a cumulative aspect to this, and it is normal for recovery from each treatment to take a little longer. There is definitely light at the end of the "treatment tunnel" - but it is a little ways down the road. 

I am so blessed to be on staff at Life Fellowship, working with not only my husband, but with our long-time friends (who are like family), Patrick and Treasa Conrad, and a "houseful" of incredible staff. Since the day I was diagnosed, these people have prayed for us and encouraged us in so many ways, have laughed and cried with me, and have picked up the slack when I couldn't do all the things that I would like to do. And when I emailed (emailing was preferable to a face to face conversation, because I would have been crying!) Pastor Patrick this week to say "I think it's time to take a leave of absence," he was supportive of my plan. As I said, I am blessed, and I am thankful for an incredible boss who is also my pastor. 

One of the things that we try to focus on with our staff is to "do the things that only you can do." Everyone isn't supposed to do everything; God has gifted each of us with specific abilities, and we need to be able to recognize what only we can do, and what others are gifted to do. 

I will be back at Life Fellowship before long, but In this season, at this point, I need to temporarily put some things down. I am the only one who (with God's help and the support of so many) can finish the story of this journey through cancer. I am the only one who can "choose joy" for my day. I am the only one who can be "Grammy" to Clara, Linc, Bonnie and Graham, and "Gigi" to Tucker - yes, I answer to whatever name my grandkids want to give me. smile emoticon I am the only wife that Tony has, the only mom that Mindy and Kelli have, and I need to focus my energy there, as I continue to fight this fight. And when I have more energy, God is showing me that He has more plans for things that only I can do, and I am excited for the future!

There is a danger for all of us if we fail to recognize our limitations - if we try to be everywhere, doing everything for everyone all the time. We dilute our effectiveness, we get tired, and we can quit moving forward in the most important area of all - our walk with God. It's difficult to choose joy each day if we are exhausted, if we have misdirected our energy. And it's an illusion to think that we will stay in one place; if we quit moving forward in our walk with God, we are in a state of decline. And that is a most dangerous place to be. 

I have felt since the beginning of this journey that God is teaching me things, and then He is saying, "This isn't all about you, and it isn't all about cancer. Someone else needs to hear this, too." So if you are reading this and something catches your attention, it's my prayer that you will listen - I truly believe that it is God, prompting us to take stock, to do the things that only we can do, and to continue to move forward in that most important relationship with Him. He is with us, He has a plan for each of us, and He will use our lives to bring Him glory, if we allow Him to lead us. 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV)

February 9, 2015 - Looking Back and Ahead

t has been almost four months since I was diagnosed with cancer. Maybe it's because I hadn't felt sick, but there are times when it still seems very surreal. This morning, I was awake for about 10-15 minutes before I remembered! Then I happened to touch my head. "Oh yes. I am bald." 

smile emoticon

I have had the honor of becoming acquainted with several courageous ladies who are also dealing with cancer. Today, one of them was talking about feeling alone, and how suddenly your life is so different from everyone around you. I can absolutely relate. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without faith in God and all the support from friends and family, but it can still be a lonely journey. 

It's a lot to process - diagnosis, treatment and future. As I get closer to another chemo day, my brain says, "Let's just skip chemo; time to wake up from this crazy dream and get back to my real life." Then the logical part of my brain says that I have to do this because I had cancer, and replays everything that has happened. And the future? I am learning to not plan too far ahead when it comes to treatment and what happens next. 

So cool to remember THIS part of the journey: That God woke me up at 3am on October 16th and gave me "memory stones" to look back on during this season. The words are not complicated, and provide all the answers and the comfort that I need - if I choose to focus on their truth, rather than googling words like "vascular invasion" to try to determine my future prognosis!

"When we look continually in faith to Jesus, not at our circumstances, we will find a tranquility within, no matter what is happening around us."

You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You. (Isaiah 26:3 NKJV)

God, I'm asking you to help me and my friends and family who are struggling, whether it is with illness or financial or relational difficulty. Help us to remember that you will keep us in perfect peace if we will choose to keep our minds stayed on you and trust in you. Help us to focus on the source of our strength, rather than wasting our energy on trying to sort out and understand and control our circumstances. We trust you and love you.

February 8, 2015 - Places

I needed to read this devotional today. It was such a great reminder that God knows where we are, and that if we let Him, He can use the places where we find ourselves for His purpose and His glory. My head knows that, but my heart can forget sometimes. smile emoticon

"Our places are not an accident. Your gifts and stories will be used in many different places over your lifetime... There is great purpose in using our gifts in corporations, nonprofits, state school systems, churches, and neighborhoods. Our God does not separate secular and spiritual. He just wants you to participate in his story wherever you are and with whatever you have.

Joseph demonstrates this beautifully. He spends twenty years unjustly enslaved and in prison, yet Joseph never lost faith, and instead lived intentionally. Joseph received his place as God’s will and worked hard for God’s glory despite severe limitations and suffering. God had shown him he would do awesome things with his life, so rather than worry about being stuck in prison or as a slave, Joseph did great things wherever he was. From Joseph’s life we learn it’s not about where we are, but how we execute God’s mission for our lives wherever we are." - Jennie Allen

February 4, 2015 - Rest

I am feeling better every day. And I am very fortunate that my side effects have been limited - nausea (which is well controlled by meds), sores in my mouth, and fatigue. Oh yes, and losing MY HAIR!! That one still stings, but it is temporary. 

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They say that with chemo, you will have fatigue like you have never experienced before - and that is correct. Feeling like bags of sand are attached to my arms and legs, preventing me from moving around a lot - that is at its worst. It's frustrating, but not fatal. 

They say, "You just need to rest!" Easy!

But my brain did not get the memo about resting. While my body is tired, my mind is going 1000 miles an hour, thinking of all the things I need to do. On the days when I am physically too worn out to read or watch tv or listen to music, my brain is in there, like a hamster on a wheel, just spinning!! 

It is amazing how God is using every part of this journey to teach me something - even the fatigue! Because the inability to rest is not something that just suddenly surfaced in my life. While I am much less of a workaholic than in previous years, I can still push the envelope, always busy, thinking about the next thing. And I have definitely not been the best role model for my girls. It's amazing how you can think something makes sense, think that you DO have to be so busy - until you watch your child doing the same thing. I'm sorry, Mindy Boyd Baier and Kelli Williford!! 

Inability to rest is not God's best plan for us. I told Brother Ken this week that I think what I am supposed to be learning is that it is ok to rest. And he agreed with me!  smile emoticon That may sound crazy to some people, but it is true in my case. 

Yesterday, when I was so tired, I looked up verses in the Bible dealing with rest - and this one jumped out:

"It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones." (Psalms 127:2 NLT) 

God is so gracious; He wants to GIVE us rest but we have to be open to accepting it. He has given me a husband and daughters who are always watching out for me, amazing friends and family who are willing to help us, and a job that I love, working with the most supportive boss and staff in the world. NO ONE is pressing me to not rest - it is self-imposed.

So today, when I was feeling better, I did not turn it into a work marathon - Tony and I ate lunch with Kelli and John and kiddos, and then Clara and I went shopping for her valentine present. She and I pretty much have the same taste in clothes smile emoticon - she got a "pop star outfit" that I would borrow if I could! Then she came over and saw the kittens, and we had a great time just talking. 

Baby steps - but there are lessons that God wants to teach each of us. They are to bless us, not to hurt us. He loves us and wants what is best for us. Like the ability to rest. I am paying attention.

January 25, 2015 - What it's like to lose your hair?

This is new territory for me and most of my friends - but this article by Melanie Haiken really articulates what it is like to deal with hair loss:

In the face of a life-threatening illness and treatment that's sometimes as painful as the illness itself, hair loss might seem like a small worry. But it's just the opposite: For many cancer patients, losing their hair is one of their biggest fears, and one of the most emotionally upsetting experiences of the whole cancer journey. However, there are ways to help someone cope with the emotional side of hair loss:

Don't be blindsided when the patient finds hair loss upsetting. 

It may come as a shock to find out just how big a deal hair loss can be during cancer treatment. You may be caught by surprise when tears well up as your friend or relative pulls clumps of hair out of her brush. It might feel to you like she's focusing on something superficial at a time when there are more important things to worry about, but it's not nearly that simple. It's a real loss, and patients need to grieve. Losing your hair is a tangible sign that everything is different, and it may trigger deep feelings. The person with cancer needs to be allowed to feel upset and work through it, rather than try to pretend those feelings aren't there. 

Realize that hair loss makes cancer patients feel exposed and vulnerable. 

For most people, hair loss is a public announcement of the fact that they've got cancer. All of a sudden, something that's private becomes public knowledge. Which also means your friend or relative is going to have to field comments and questions from people with whom they may not feel like talking about cancer. You can help by reminding the person that she doesn't have to respond to questions she doesn't want to answer. 

Understand that feelings about hair loss are feelings about change. 

When someone is going through cancer treatment and already feels scared and vulnerable, the threat of losing her hair can seem like the proverbial last straw. Cancer patients describe looking in the mirror and feeling like they're staring at a stranger. What could be more disorienting than not recognizing yourself? The best way to handle such intense feelings is to encourage the person to talk about them, and always to be a careful listener. Just saying, "I know this is really hard" and "I wish you didn't have to go through this" goes a long way.

January 26, 2015

"This is the beginning of a new day. God has given me this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good. What I do today is very important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving something in its place I have traded for it. I want it to be gain, not loss — good, not evil. Success, not failure, in order that I shall not forget the price I paid for it."

January 30, 2015

"There is a depth of God's love that we get to experience only on a 'need to know' basis." 

That is so true - you wouldn't wish the circumstances on anyone, but during the most painful seasons, I have felt God's protective arms around me like no other time in my life.

February 2, 2015 - What If?

What If?

Today has been a good day. Tony and I got out of the house for a little while; we picked up glasses and ate lunch, and I was ready to head home. Not exactly running a 5k or anything! But that was much better than the last few days - it's the first time I've had anything other than pj's on since Friday, so I call that a win!

There are times when my brain feels like it's running behind me, trying to catch up with everything that has happened the past few months. To say that I have/had cancer seems very surreal. One day, one of my friends, Dayna, said that there was so much going on before Christmas (Kelli and John coming home, our new grandbaby, Mindy and Michael moving to Memphis, Tony and I working with the launch team to open LF West), that I really didn't have time to process what was happening. I think that is spot on; I also think that sometimes God just blankets us with an incredible peace to face the storm. I am overwhelmed when I think of how many prayers have been prayed on our behalf. We do have the most supportive friends and family, and we are forever grateful. 

Now that the big storm of surgery, recovery, beginning chemo and losing my hair is over, I have more time to think. Joyce Meyer wrote a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" and I have never understood that concept so clearly until now. We are so, so incredibly fortunate to have such a great medical team, and even though chemo isn't easy, it could be much worse; I am very thankful for that. 

But there are times, especially when my body and mind are tired, that I start going through the "what if's". I watched my mother die of this disease, and even though treatment has come a long way, the type of cancer I had was like hers in that the cells can easily metastasize to other parts of the body. Sometimes, I wonder when/if this will really be "over" as there is always another scan/test/appointment on the calendar. I think about what I would do if I was faced with more chemo. The list of "what if's" can grow quickly. 

We all experience the "what if" battle. We know that God brought us through the parting of the Red Sea (or whatever the equivalent is in our lives) but we feel unsure that He can be trusted to give us manna each day - or we complain about the manna that He provides. We act as if the God we read about in the Bible is unable to perform those"miracles of Biblical proportion" in our lives. We start to rely on our own wisdom, and that is not a good plan. 

The battle is there, and the best way I know to deal with this is to take those "what if" thoughts captive. To replace the unknown "what if's?" with the promises in God's Word. satan wants us to believe that our situation is different; that THIS time, God isn't paying attention - but that is a lie straight from the pit of hell!! God can be trusted and He has given us everything we need for any battle we face. 

"But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." (John 14:26-27 NLT)

February 1, 2015 - Bad Days

Thanks to our pals who have prayed for us and checked in on us today. I am doing much better tonight!

This devo was written by Sue Sewell about her journey through cancer - but it applies to so many of us who are having a "bad day" for whatever reason. 

Was yesterday a difficult day for you? Or maybe this morning? Some days moved along smoothly, and then out of nowhere, I would be flooded with fear, followed swiftly by tears. Not depression or despair, just salty, crocodile tears. The continuing fear of the unknown can be consuming. Facing radiation, surgery, or chemo and maybe more surgery or more chemo, with no guarantee that the cancer is never coming back is overpowering. Please, Lord, NO!

Do my tears surprise or disappoint God? Was He expecting me to be spiritually and emotionally stronger? Was this whole diagnosis and treatment a trial God had designed specifically for me to prove my faith? Was I failing Him? People were watching, was I letting God down? Are you? Are you trying to prove that you are something that you can’t be? Do you find this burden too big to bear? We can know that God does not condemn us for our tears. David writes,

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalm 56:8, NLT).

Is there a more tender picture than that of the God of creation seeing our pain and suffering and gathering our tears in a bottle? Be comforted by knowing that He does see you. When tears come, so does He!

Take time to equip yourself with God’s promises so that you can call on them.

“I will never leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5b, NKJV).

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18, NLT).

February 1, 2015 - Sunday

Today is Sunday. It's a big day at most churches. For Tony and me, it is huge, as we are privileged to lead the team that is launching Life Fellowship West, Life Fellowship's third campus. We are so grateful for the opportunity and love the incredible team that God has brought together. We love the new campus!

I'm not at LF West today. I had chemo on Wednesday. Excuse the whining, but I am feeling rough, and aggravated. My head hurts, my body feels like I have the flu, my mouth is sore - and in case you didn't know - MY HAIR ALL FELL OFF MY HEAD!! I sometimes struggle with the timing of cancer and chemo (although I can't think of a convenient time for it to happen)!

I am listening to our message from this weekend; Pastor Patrick is talking about starting now and growing in Christ. Even though this is NOT where I want to be and NOT what I want to be doing, God knows what I need and He is going to use this for His glory. I need to redeem this time that I am on an unfamiliar path, and not take it for granted. One of the best things I have learned from Tony Boyd is that what we are dealing with is not a surprise to God. He is with us and He will use this journey to help me grow. 

What are you walking through? Don't get discouraged and don't let satan's lies distract you. God is there - in the midst of frustration and pain - to walk with you and to help you grow. Don't take your life for granted. Redeem this time - don't waste it. If God is asking you to to something - do it!

January 31, 2015

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early (Psalms 46:5)

"Shall not be moved"--what an inspiring declaration! Can it be possible that we, who are so easily moved by the things of earth, can arrive at a place where nothing can upset us or disturb our calm? Yes, it is possible; and the Apostle Paul knew it. When he was on his way to Jerusalem where he foresaw that "bonds and afflictions" awaited him, he could say triumphantly, "But none of these things move me." Everything in Paul's life and experience that could be shaken had been shaken, and he no longer counted his life, or any of life's possessions, dear to him. And we, if we will but let God have His way with us, may come to the same place, so that neither the fret and tear of little things of life, nor the great and heavy trials, can have power to move us from the peace that passeth understanding, which is declared to be the portion of those who have learned to rest only on God. - Streams in the Desert

January 30, 2015

Here is another promise many try to claim . . . without the condition. "God has offered me His peace, and I'm claiming it now. After all, Philippians 4:7 promises,

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

But such peace escapes you as you continue to be besieged by worry and fear. Why? 

Because peace isn't dropped in a bundle from heaven by parachute. Peace is a byproduct - the promised result following our fulfilling our part of the process. And what is that?

When answering such questions, always go back to the context in which you found the promise, in this case Philippians 4. Notice that just before the promise of peace is the condition on which that promise is based:

"Be anxious for nothing [in other words, stop worrying about anything], but in everything by prayer and supplication [in addition, start praying about everything] with thanksgiving [and don't forget to be thankful in all things] let your requests be made known to God. And . . .

The equation would look like this:

Absence of worry + Prevalence of prayer + Spirit of gratitude = Peace of God 

Chuck Swindoll

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV)

Second devo that I've read this morning regarding Philippians 4:6-7. God - I am paying attention!!  smile emoticon

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

As I began my morning praying God’s Word, I didn’t foresee the news that would come later that afternoon. I didn’t realize how much I would need to hold on to the promise woven into Philippians 4:6-7. But God knew.

As the verse came to me, the words didn’t seem to resonate deeply within my peace-filled heart. I knew these words to be true, but I wasn’t worried or anxious about anything. Nonetheless I prayed the words and went on with my normal routine.

Later that afternoon, my dad called. His usual pleasantries about the weather and questions about the grandkids were short this time. My mom was in the hospital. The symptoms pointed to a stroke, but the doctors were still unsure.

Hours of waiting and tests would ensue before we’d know anything. Only thing is I’m not a waiter. I am a doer. When life unravels and reels out of control, I do anything within my power to fix the situation. When situations cannot be fixed, I worry. Subconsciously, I believe I’m exercising some sort of direction over circumstances I can’t possibly change. In the midst of my search for sense in the senseless, the words I prayed from today's key verse came to me: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:6-7).

I realized with stark clarity how God was preparing me for what was to come. These verses gave me clear instruction for what I was to do with my worry. I was to give it to God. With a new sense of direction, I prayed for my mom and my family. I prayed for the doctors who were working to find a diagnosis and the staff who were caring for her. I thanked God for getting my mom to the hospital safely and for the availability of the care she needed. I thanked Him for giving the living Word I needed.

As I prayed, my doer nature realized I was doing something. Although I still had no control over the situation, I was bringing it before the Almighty One who did. And that was the very best "doing." An unspeakable peace came over me and just as the Scripture verse states, I did not understand it. But I was so grateful for it. His instruction and promise carried me until we were able to get some answers.

When we carry the Word of God in our hearts, it becomes a weapon against worry and anxiousness. Things beyond our control will happen in our day-to-day lives, but we can equip ourselves with the Truth that protects our hearts and minds. When we do this, the words become like a soothing balm for our anxious souls.

Confidence replaces doubt and peace replaces worry. We find sweet rest because instead of relying on our own strength to carry us, we rely on the promises found in Christ Jesus. - Abby McDonald

January 29, 2015

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the LORD: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day.

The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” (Psalms 91:1-5, 14-16 NLT)

How cool is it that lyrics written hundreds of years ago are just what my soul needs to hear! When we press into God, He is there to provide comfort. 

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

January 29, 2015 - Chemo #2, Day 2 Update

Thank you for all the prayers and encouraging words! The day went very well, and since it was our second trip, we have a good understanding as far as what to expect and how to handle things.

I was much more tired and achy by the time we got home. We know now (thanks to such a great advice from my pals who have experience in this area!) that the best thing to do is to rest and give my body time to adjust to what's going on. I will probably be taking a few days at home to recuperate, and hope to be back at it very soon! 

I read this devo today; it really applies to all of us. We cannot control the circumstances that come into our lives - but we can always control our attitude and response. No matter what is happening, we can choose to find the good, something positive in the situation. It is a much better way to live!

"I think that many times we let what should be extremely special to us—things we should be extremely grateful for—become too commonplace. Several years ago, I was “prayer murmuring” to the Lord (praying but kind of murmuring at the same time), and I said, “Lord, why don’t I have those exciting, special things happen in my life like I used to when I first started to know You?” I’ll never forget what the Lord spoke to my heart so clearly. He said, “I still do the same things all the time, it’s just that you’ve gotten used to it.” Ouch! I believe that if we’ll stay amazed at the things God is doing in our lives—even the little things—we’ll never be without hope. I encourage you to realize what you have, be thankful, and decide to live amazed…jaw-dropping, wide-eyed, “Wow! That was God!” amazed." - Joyce Meyer

Thought I would end this with a look at some pictures from this journey - we have so much to be thankful for!

January 28, 2015 - JOY (Chemo Day #2)

"On any given day, we may feel good or bad, happy or sad, excited or discouraged, and a thousand other things. Although feelings can be very strong and demanding, we do not have to let them rule our lives. We can learn to manage our emotions rather than allowing them to manage us. This has been one of the most important biblical truths I have learned in my journey with God. It has also been one that allows me to consistently enjoy my life."

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27 NLT)

January 27, 2015 - The Night Before Chemo #2

Chemo #2 is tomorrow!

Tomorrow at 9am, Tony and I are headed to the plastic surgeon's office for a checkup. Next stop after that - West Clinic at 11am. We'll have labs, a visit with the oncologist, and chemo #2. One of the things they have told us is to not plan ahead, that labs have to be good in order to go ahead with chemo. We had a trip to West Clinic yesterday and they had me start on antibiotics for an infection, but my blood counts were actually better than they had been before chemo #1! That is pretty amazing - I feel due in large part to our incredible prayer support - and we have no reason to think we won't be able to go ahead with treatment tomorrow. 

We sang a song this past weekend at church that I basically have taken as my theme song for these treatments. It's called "Whom Shall I Fear" and the lyrics are below. When I saw it was on the set list for our weekend services, I wanted to be at the services because I know that God inhabits the praises of His people. Even though I was dealing with all my hair falling out, I wanted to be there to offer that praise. I was able to be there, and as I praised Him, I could feel the strength coming into my body. I do not know how someone makes it through the ups and downs of this journey without God by their side, and without support of the body of Christ. We are so blessed!

Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement; you have made this journey so much easier!  smile emoticon

WHOM SHALL I FEAR

You hear me when I call
You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?

You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though trouble linger still
Whom shall I fear?

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side

My strength is in Your name
For You alone can save
You will deliver me
Yours is the victory
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?

And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I'm holding on to Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." (Hebrews 12:1 NLT)

January 27, 2015

I look to the mountains; where will my help come from? My help will come from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let you fall; your protector is always awake. The protector of Israel never dozes or sleeps. The Lord will guard you; he is by your side to protect you. The sun will not hurt you during the day, nor the moon during the night. The Lord will protect you from all danger; he will keep you safe. He will protect you as you come and go now and for ever. (Psalms 121:1-8 GNB)

“No matter how good you think you are as a leader, my goodness, the people around you will have all kinds of ideas for how you can get better. So for me, the most fundamental thing about leadership is to have the humility to continue to get feedback and to try to get better - because your job is to try to help everybody else get better.” ― Jim Yong Kim

January 26, 2015 - Peace

The perfect devo to end this day:

Peace is one of the most important elements to enjoying your life.

A life of frustration and struggle, a life without peace, is the result of focusing on things you can’t do anything about. When you worry about things beyond your control, stress and anxiety begin to creep into your life.

The apostle Paul said, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV).

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27 NIV)