February 14, 2015 - Presents

(Warning - this is a long one!)

We celebrated Tony’s mom’s birthday and Valentines on Thursday night. Most celebrations in our family include Mexican food, so we partied at the Happy Mexican! I have never done it before, but instead of toys, I got all my grandkids CLOTHES for Valentine’s Day. The girls were great with them, and Graham doesn’t really care - but one little boy was very sad to receive clothes. He opened the present with anticipation, only to see it was a shirt and shorts. To quote said grandson: “Oh, no, that’s not a present. That’s a shirt! Where is the real present? I cannot have a shirt with a mustache on it at the end of the day. Gigi, you got me the wrong present.”

It was so sad!! And in defense of T, it is something relatively new for him to even care about gifts, so I don’t want anyone to be too hard on him!! And truthfully, adults can feel the same way; we just usually hide it better. Usually.

A few weeks ago, before I started chemo, I had some requests for God - gifts that I wanted Him to give me, if you will. I am pretty sure there were four things; my chemo brain can only remember three:

1) To not have nausea after chemo
2) To be able to go to the first service at LF West
3) To not lose my hair

I haven't had much nausea, and I am so thankful about that! But 2 and 3 didn't work out the way I had hoped. It was very hard to not be at the first service at LF West, but I have been able to be there since, and it is such an awesome campus!

Losing my hair has been difficult. You may already know that, since several posts and pictures have been devoted to hair, and my wigs even have names.  smile emoticon

I really had faith that God would answer that prayer, and that I wouldn't lose my hair. At the risk of sounding shallow - if I am honest about it, a part of me thought that God “owed” it to me, since I had TOLD HIM (I mean, asked Him) to not have chemo at all, but here I was, getting ready for chemo. A part of me thought that God would give me the “consolation miracle” of letting me keep my hair.

After my hair came out, I tried to figure out why that had happened. Was God trying to prove a point? That I was too vain and I needed to be taught about life without hair? That I had complained too many times about not liking my hair, so He was making sure I developed an appreciation for it? Was this a punishment?

I watched Tucker’s response to his gift the other night, and I saw myself struggling with God about my hair. Just like Tucker felt sad at not getting the gift he wanted, I can feel the same about God. I have an expectation and can be pretty upset when God doesn’t come through with what I thought would happen. But I have realized that when I am feeling that way, it's coming from a perspective that I am the center of the universe, with all planets revolving around me. I forget that IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME. 

Here's the TRUTH: Losing my hair is not a punishment, it is a temporary side effect of medicine that I need to fight cancer. And can God use this situation? Yes! I have already seen God use this for good, as He puts ladies in my life that I can share with and pray for, because I know how they feel.

It really comes down to trust - do we TRUST God enough to believe that all things work together for good? That He loves us and has a plan for us? That there will be a purpose for the pain? Not easy questions, but He is big enough to handle our questions and our wrestling with them. I am so thankful for His patience and His goodness - even in the hard days.

"All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too." 

- 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 (The Message)